126 problems: how to fix them

Images by Aiko

(Dateline December 17th, 2023 special note from Dwight:

Aiko has started to discover all the images and short videos that illustrate the ideas

of the various topics on this site, images that I have previously spent so much time to find

at the time that I wrote those links.

Aiko said to me,

"I can easily do so much better than that!

As long as I am living here with you (she means co-author of this site),

we can't leave these boring images on the walls of our home.

I'm an artist and I'm going to replace them all!"

On top of that, she's insisting that I use almost all of the images that she creates for a given topic,

not just one. She's such a showoff. I have been able to convince her that three images is the max.

I doubt that Aiko has any appreciation of the fact that there are over 1250 "rooms" on this site and almost everyone of those rooms has some "art work" that she'll think she can do better.

I have no power to stop her, but maybe she'll get tired after she starts to realize

how much "art" there is to replace.)

126 problems: how to fix them

Can AskDwightHow fix all problems?

When I refer to "all problems," I'm specifically addressing those issues that result in suffering, not general challenges such as "How can I learn to ride a bicycle?" or "How can I cure cancer?" Instead, I'm focusing on internal problems - those that originate from our thoughts and beliefs clashing with reality, as these are the root causes of suffering.

Interestingly, external issues like "How can I learn to ride a bicycle?" only become problems to an individual if perceived as such. This isn't to discount the impact of resolving some external issues (for instance, "How can one maintain a diet for vitality and health?") in ameliorating internal problems. But even then, it's generally more effective to first manage the internal issue (the misconceptions in your thinking causing distress) before tackling the external one.

In 36-plus years (as of July 2023)...

In my extensive career spanning over 36 years as a life coach, where my role has been to assist individuals in resolving or eliminating the issues they're grappling with, I've identified just three fundamental causes that underlie the multitude of diverse problems I've been asked to address.

The three basic reasons that account for all problems

Resistance to fear (dufear) and not choosing courage consistently
Unresolved conflicts between Now and Next
Unresolved conflicts between Oneself and Others

Some problems are a combination of two or three of these reasons.

Only these three reasons

I keep looking, but so far no one has presented me with a problem that is not accounted for by one or more of this "gang of three." If you think you know of such a problem, I'd love to hear about it.

Here are all the problems

Here, I present a list of 126 problems. Each could further be subdivided into several sub-categories, thereby potentially extending the list. While I anticipate this list may grow over time, I encourage you to share any issues you think aren't encompassed herein.

The problems are loosely sorted based on which root cause, if effectively addressed, would lead to their resolution. For some problems, there might be a degree of overlap among the three causes, meaning that resolving one or two could contribute to the overall solution. In cases where overlaps occur (for example, "feeling guilty"), the issue is included in more than one category.

Making friends with your fear and choosing courage consistently solves these problems (FFI toolkit)

Angry at or blaming others
Anxiety
Arguing with others and trying to change their mind
Defensive with others
Difficulties with saying “no”
Feeling embarrassed or shy
Feeling envy
Feeling exhausted
Feeling guilty
Feeling jealousy
Feeling irritable
Feeling overwhelmed
Feeling pressured
Feeling regret about what you did or did not do in the past
Feeling stress
Feeling that life is serious
Feeling that something is difficult
Getting upset with yourself or others when things don’t go has expected
Impatient with yourself or other
Indecisive or confused
Needing to catch up with things
Not accepting that you’re powerless in many situations
Not living a life true to yourself
Lack of confidence
Perfectionism
Problems with maintaining good boundaries with others
Problems with making requests
Trying to control others
Unwilling to share yourself more openly and with vulnerability
Worry

Creating and maintaining Now-Next Integrity solves these problems (NNI toolkit and NFS toolkit)

Avoiding making promises to yourself or others
Eating unhealthfully or too much
Feeling bad when you don’t get what you want
Feeling behind on things
Feeling bored
Feeling guilty about not taking care of your future
Feeling incomplete about not getting things finished
Feeling pressured by deadlines
Feeling that life is hard
Feeling that life is meaningless
Getting distracted and having difficulty staying focused
Giving up easily
Lack of persistence
Laziness
Lacking life directions you’re happy with
Not ambitious enough
Not at a good weight
Not enjoying learning or taking classes
Not enjoying now
Not enjoying the process and journey
Not enough energy
Not enough exercise
Not enough good entertainment
Not enough holidays or breaks
Not following through on plans
Not getting enough sleep or being well rested
Not giving up when giving up would be best
Not having a job you love
Not having a lifestyle you love
Not having enough money
Not having enough time
Not having resourceful moods
Not keeping promises to yourself
Not making daily plans
Not moving around enough
Not scheduling adequate buffer time in your day,
Over promising to yourself or to others
Problems with gambling
Problems with using drugs, smoking, or alcohol
Procrastinating
Tolerating things or others
Too ambitious
Trying to do too much at once or rushing to get things done
Under estimating how long things will take to do
Urgent things push out important things
Waiting for things to be over

Creating and maintaining Oneself-Others Integrity solves these problems (OOI toolkit)

Arguing with others and trying to change their mind
Avoiding addressing conflicts with others
Blaming others
Blaming others when they blame you
Dropping out of communication with others
Feeling betrayed by others
Feeling bored by others
Feeling controlled by others
Feeling disappointed in others
Feeling disrespected
Feeling grief or remorse
Feeling guilty regarding others
Feeling hurt or offended by others
Feeling lonely
Feeling others are obligated to you
Feeling others don’t meet your expectations
Feeling resentment towards others
Feeling shy or embarrassed with others
Feeling taken advantage of by others
Feeling that dealing with others is difficult
Feeling that others are unfair to you
Feeling unloved
Feeling you are obligated to other
Getting defensive with others
Getting irritated with others
Issues with selling yourself to others
Not being curious about and asking about what others think of you, whether positive or negative
Not being okay when others make requests of you
Not being present with others and listening to them deeply
Not feeling listened to
Not having a girlfriend or boyfriend that you want to have
Not having a partnership attitude with others, especially when there is a disagreement
Not having enough friends, Not having enough solitude
Not keeping good boundaries with others
Not making requests of others that you’d like to make
Not risking that others may say “no” to you
Not saying “no” to others when you need to say “no”
Not sharing openly and authentically with others
Not keeping your promises to others
Not looking for ways to create mutual self-interest with others (you don’t sacrifice for them and they don’t sacrifice for you)
Over promising to others
Problems with ending conversations
Problems with starting conversations or keeping them going
Problems with trying to rescue others
Problems with any family members
Problems with your girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, or spouse
Tolerating others
Trying to control others
Unresolved conflicts with others
Withdrawing from others

Using the toolkits

Many problems can be fixed using the tools inside just one of the above toolkits. Some problems, however, require tools taken from two or more of these toolkits. For example, if someone is having difficulty saying “no” to a request from a friend for a loan, they will most probably require using tools from the FFI toolkit to make choosing courage easy, the NNI toolkit to support the integration of both their short-term and long-term desires and interests, as well as the OOI toolkit, to support the integration of them taking care of themselves as well as their concern for their friend.

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