How to train someone to be "bad"

 

Being a "good" person in interpersonal relationships often comes at a cost. In many cases, those who consider themselves good inadvertently enable the harmful behaviors of others, allowing these behaviors to persist unchallenged.

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The "good" children trained their mother to be dominating and controlling

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Take the case of one of my clients, a 35-year-old woman whose mother has long dominated and controlled her and her siblings' lives through tantrums and threats of disowning them. Despite their occasional bursts of anger towards her, none of the children had ever clearly set and enforced boundaries with their mother.

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Choosing big courage to set boundaries and say "no"

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Recently, after working with me, my client invited her mother for a visit, making it clear that she was welcome to stay for five days—not the ten days her mother had initially wanted. Her mother agreed. However, when the five days were up, her mother showed no signs of leaving.

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My client, feeling a surge of fear, took a deep breath and sat down with her mother for a difficult conversation.

 

She said, “It’s been wonderful having you here for the five days we agreed upon, Mom. Is there anything you need from me so that you can leave today?”

 

Her mother responded, “But you need my help with the packers,” referencing the fact that my client was in the process of moving.

 

My client calmly replied, “Thank you for your concern, and I want you to leave today.”

 

Her mother, visibly upset, shot back, “This is no way to treat your mother!”

 

My client, holding her ground, said, “I know you feel hurt by my request, and I want you to leave today.”

 

Her mother’s anger escalated: “Well, I’m not leaving! How can you ask such a thing? I’m your mother!”

 

Again, my client stood firm, repeating, “I know my request seems unreasonable to you, and I want you to leave today.” 

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Special note: my client, in repeating the line "and I want you to leave today." was using what is called "the broken record" in assertiveness training.

 

The tension peaked when her mother shouted, “I told you I’m not leaving, you ungrateful bitch!”

 

My client, unwavering, responded, “I know I seem ungrateful to you, but if you don’t leave, I will call the police. I want you to leave today, Mom.”

 

Faced with this final ultimatum, her mother stormed out, vowing never to speak to her again—a threat she had used many times before. This time, however, my client was prepared to follow through, not as a bluff, but as a genuine assertion of her boundaries.

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In the past, my client and her siblings had often lashed out at their mother in anger when provoked, each time being met with her threat to cut off communication. Despite these threats, their mother always reinitiated contact within a month.

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Mustering the courage

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This time, my client knew there was a real risk that her mother might sever ties permanently, but she was willing to accept that possibility. All her life, her mother had manipulated those around her with anger and self-righteous indignation, much like a schoolyard bully. People complained about her behavior, and while they received sympathy for enduring it, no one had ever mustered the courage to set clear, consistent boundaries with her—until now.

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Though it might not seem so on the surface, what my client did was an act of love. By allowing her mother to continually violate her boundaries, my client had been dishonoring their relationship. Tolerating such behavior in the name of love often means seeking comfort in the moment rather than addressing the deeper issues at play. My client’s decision to stand up to her mother was a courageous one, and it left a lasting impression on me.

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In some cultures, it requires even more courage

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Cultural differences can make such situations even more challenging. For example, in Japanese or Chinese cultures, grown children may need to summon even greater courage to set boundaries with their parents, embracing much more fear than their counterparts in American culture.

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Where, in your own life, have you been empowering someone to not treat you well?

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Take a moment to reflect on your own life: Is there anyone you’re tolerating, allowing them to consistently cross your boundaries?

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What kind of courage would it take to clarify and enforce your boundaries with that person?

Are you willing to choose that courage?

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And if you’re not ready to take that leap all at once, is there a way to break it down into smaller, more manageable steps?

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See also the Partnership Conversation.