It's not just hard of hearing...it's also hard of listening

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1) Do you know how often you don't notice that how your response to someone does not match what they said or asked?

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2) Do you know how often others don't respond to you so that it fits with what you just said or asked?

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The answer to the first question has got to be, "No, I don't know how often" because you're not noticing that you're not noticing.

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Regarding the second question, on occasion, you may notice that someone else did not respond as if they really heard what you said. More often, however, even when another's response does not fit with what you just said or asked, at least on a conscious level, you don't notice it.

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Most of us, much of the time, are engaged in fake dialogues and not even noticing it. It's almost as if we've made this tacit agreement. "Okay, it's your turn to listen to my monologue since I just finished listening to your monologue."

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Consider these "dialogues"

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You: "How much is 5 plus 7?"

Them: "The answer is blue."

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You would notice instantly that their response did not fit your question.

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But if you said,

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"What did you like about your brother?"

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And they responded,

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"I actually didn't get to know my brother very well until we were adults..."

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They might be on the way to answering your question (or not). Yet, as you listen to them go on and on in their response to you, you may not ever notice that they never answered your question (and it's even more sure that they didn't notice it either). If you ask them after they finished talking, "Can you repeat back to me the question I asked you before you answered?", you will find that either they will admit they don't remember your question or they will make up a question that fits with their response but was not the question you asked.

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The answers may not be important

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Of course, it may not matter that much. Perhaps your purpose is just to keep the conversation going (even more like two monologues) and you're happy to hear them share almost anything. If they never answer your question, it's okay.

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Dialogue matters

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More recently, during my coaching sessions, I've become more acutely aware of how often my client, in responding to my question, either did not hear or listen to the question I just asked.

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As a life coach, I'm intentional in each question I ask. The questions are designed so that the client's response could lead to the resolution of their problem or issue.

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Yet, with startling frequency, when I interrupt my clients in the middle of their "responding" to a question, and ask them to repeat back to me the question that I just asked them that they thought they were responding to, they either admit they don't know what the question was or they tell me what they thought it was which was not what I had asked.

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These clients are smart, articulate people. 

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Get out of your hallucinating head and start listening (to yourself and others)

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There are worlds to discover when we can create and maintain a grounded dialogue with others. But we need to start paying attention to our words and thoughts. They have become so automatic and we just take for granted that we know what we are saying and we know what we are hearing.

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Very often that is not true.

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