What is forgiveness?

 

We often believe that forgiveness means “putting ourselves again in harm’s way.” We think it means exposing ourselves again to the probability of a similar result.

 

Nothing is further from the truth.

 

Forgiveness means only that you let go of blaming or resenting another for what they did or didn’t do. It does not mean that you have not learned from what happened.

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Becoming un-victimizable

 

In fact, one of the quickest ways to assist yourself in forgiving another is to “remove yourself from harm’s way.”

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His mother lies to him

 

For example, a client of mine managed to forgive his mother for lying to him (which she does regularly) by letting go of any expectation or hope that his mother will tell the truth in the future and adjusting his actions accordingly.

 

For any given incident, she may or may not tell the truth. If she tells the truth, he can experience this as an extra bonus.

 

He now acknowledges the truth: he can trust that his mother will probably lie to him again. He can now forgive his mother because he is willing to stop lying to himself that his mother will one day miraculously change her ways. He can adjust his actions accordingly, now that he is willing to acknowledge and accept the risks in doing so, regardless of how his mother might respond.

 

In shifting his perspective, he also eliminates any need to forgive his mother in the future, because he now knows and accepts that he can trust his mother to lie to him sometimes.

 

When we realize that we cannot trust people to always be the way we would prefer them to be, when we accept the way things have been and are likely to be again (especially in areas where we lack control), forgiveness and a sense of peace and goodwill become an easy and natural part of our living.

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Getting your "masters" in forgiveness

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Actually, the necessity to "forgive" as we normally think of the word will never occur if we learn not to indulge in expectations, which is a form of denying reality and setting ourselves up for upset.

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See Good boundaries.

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​"Forgiveness is realizing there is nothing to forgive."​

—Byron Katie​​​​

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"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."

—Paul Boese (author)

 

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."

—Landrum Bolling (peacemaker, college president)

 

"History is a better guide than good intentions."

—Jeanne Kirkpatrick (American diplomat, syndicated columnist, political scientist,

author of “The New Presidential Elite” and “The Reagan Phenomenon”)