The unseen chains that bind us

 

Most of us have no idea how tightly our cultures bind us, quietly building barriers that prevent true connection, especially when we meet someone for the first time. Through my own experience, I’ve discovered something fascinating, a phenomenon that I have never heard spoken or written about by anyone else, yet profoundly affects how we relate to one another: the hidden alienation we experience when our social interactions are restricted by our own cultural norms.

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Where's the water?

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David Foster Wallace shares a story about two young fish who meet an older fish. The older fish asks them, "How’s the water?" Confused, one of the younger fish later turns to the other and says, "What the hell is water?"

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It would be surprising if even the older fish fully understood it was in water.

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When we are immersed in a different culture, we're still in water, but it's a different flavor of water that allows us to see things we couldn’t see in our own cultural "water." This new perspective helps us recognize the unseen influences—whether constraints or support systems—that shaped us before.

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My discovery

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Let me tell you about how I discovered this. When I lived in Tokyo, I had an encounter that perfectly illustrated this phenomenon, although I’ve since experienced it countless times while living in China and more recently in Vietnam.

 

One day, after selecting my meal at Meiji University’s cafeteria, I approached a table where a young Japanese student sat. I asked if I could join her for a conversation in English, and she accepted.

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My personal questions did not stimulate defense

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We spoke for fifteen minutes, during which I asked her questions like,

 

“What do you like best about yourself?”

"What do you dislike about yourself?"

“What is your biggest dream?”

“What’s the hardest thing to understand about men?”

 

Our conversation was open, energetic, and filled with warmth—we looked each other in the eyes, and there was a sense of real connection.

 

At one point, I asked her to reflect on how easy and natural our conversation felt, and she agreed, almost surprised. I then posed a more intriguing question: “Imagine I were a Japanese man, approaching you in the exact same way. Would you feel just as comfortable and open?”

 

Without hesitation she answered, “No.”

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I didn't have to walk on eggshells

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It was a striking moment. I explained to her that, similarly, if she were an American woman, I wouldn’t have felt as free and at ease in our conversation. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable asking such personal questions or maintaining direct eye contact.

 

We had found something unique: we were both stepping outside our cultural boundaries. I wasn’t bound by the social norms of my own culture, but I wasn’t fully inside hers either. The same was true for her. In that space, something remarkable happened—we connected as two people, free from the usual cultural constraints.

 

It reminded me of how children effortlessly bond with other children, before they’ve learned the rigid, unspoken rules of social interaction.​​

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The cross-cultural freedom effect: unburdened by cultural norms

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This freedom, this openness, was possible because neither of us was tethered to the invisible expectations that typically guide our behavior within our own cultural frameworks. She wasn’t burdened by the norms that might shape her interactions with a Japanese man, and I wasn’t confined by the expectations that govern how I interact with American women.

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I call this the "cross-cultural freedom effect." It’s one of the main reasons I was drawn to live in Japan and China and now Vietnam. Oddly enough, I can be more authentically myself around people who are different from me than I can around those who are more like me! Isn’t that fascinating?

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The "distance" between cultures matters

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From what I’ve seen—and heard from friends—this phenomenon is more pronounced between vastly different cultures, like those of the West and Asia, than between more similar ones, such as the U.S. and Germany.

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How to side-step the rules in your own culture

 

The invisible cultural rules that inhibit true connection can be hard to see, but they’re always there, shaping how we relate to each other. I encourage you to try something: take a moment to acknowledge these rules in your own life. Have the courage to openly talk about them and their impact. You might even experiment with breaking them, just to see if it leads to a deeper, more genuine connection.

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One way to do this is with How to have a great conversation with anyone.