Are you a giver or a trader?

 

Much of the confusion and frustration in life could be avoided if we simply understood—and clarified with ourselves and others—what is a trade and what is a gift. Most interactions, whether personal or professional, fall into one of these two categories, or a mix of both.

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Disguising trades as gifts

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The issue arises when we disguise trades as gifts, fearing that labeling something as a trade will make us seem selfish. But honesty is key—both with ourselves and with others. A trade is straightforward: "I give you this, you give me that." Whether it's working for pay, exchanging favors, or maintaining a balanced relationship, trades are part of everyday life.

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Examples of trades

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Consider these examples of trades:

 

“I’ll work for $15 an hour.”

“I’ll scratch your back if you give me a massage.”

“I’ll be kind to you if you’re kind to me.”

"I'll take you out to a nice restaurant if you'll have sex with me afterwards." (usually man to woman)

 

Even in marriage,

“If you provide financial stability, I’ll raise the children and manage the household.”

 

Recognizing these conditions and being clear about them with the other person allows us to engage in them honestly and without resentment.

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Clarity comes when we can see which interactions are based on trade and which are genuinely given as gifts. If we’re unhappy with the terms of a trade, we can renegotiate or walk away. The problem occurs when we label something a gift but secretly expect something in return, leading to unmet expectations and hidden resentments.

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Common complaints from lack of clarity

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Now, think of common complaints:

“I always make the plans, and he never does.”

“I gave you a birthday gift, but you didn’t give me one.”

“Johnny, don’t you appreciate all I do for you? Why can’t you just clean your room?”

 

These are examples where expectations—often unspoken—turn what should be trades into tangled frustrations.

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What are gifts?

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Let’s explore gifts. The essence of a true gift is that it asks nothing of the receiver, other than enjoyment or appreciation. But, if we’re honest, nearly all gifts carry an expectation, even if it’s just the hope of acknowledgment or gratitude. We continue to give because we derive satisfaction from knowing we’ve made someone happy or have been appreciated for our efforts. Or, at bare minimum, if we see we've made a positive impact on their lives, whether they show appreciation to us or not.

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Examples of gifts

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For example, today, I noticed a woman’s skirt caught in her car door as I was leaving the store. I let her know, and she quickly fixed it, smiling and waving in appreciation. If I rarely received these signs of gratitude, I likely wouldn’t keep giving in this way. And neither would you.

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Even in anonymous giving, such as donating to a cause, the motivation often includes a desire for acknowledgment—whether through appreciation from the charity, a minister’s praise, or even the appreciation we give to ourselves for helping.

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Take the example of my "The 14:24 Club" service, which began as a free offering to subscribers. I receive immense joy from writing about meaningful topics, knowing others would find value in my words. And I was fortunate enough to receive feedback—messages of thanks and stories of how my writings made an impact. Without that feedback, or the internal pleasure from reflecting on the positive difference I was making, I would have stopped.

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In truth, the gift was a trade—I needed the appreciation and impact in return. If my readers weren’t finding value, it would mean the terms of my “gift” were unmet.

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From a larger perspective, even gifts are a special type of trade. 

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So, where in your life have you confused trades and gifts? Have you truly examined what you’re receiving in return for the efforts you make, both in your trades and in your gifts?

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"You cannot hold on to anything good. You must be continually giving — and getting.

You cannot hold on to your seed. You must sow it — and reap anew.

You cannot hold on to riches. You must use them and get other riches in return."

—Robert Collier (1885-1950, American writer, publisher)

 

"Giving is better than receiving because giving starts the receiving process."

—Jim Rohn (American businessman, author, speaker, philosopher)

"The shortest and best way to make your fortune is to let people see clearly

that it is in their interest to promote yours."

—Jean de La Bruyere (1645–1696, French moralist)