Honor your children

Honor your children

Dwight: I want to explore the idea that the Ten Commandments has it backwards when it says, "Honour thy father and thy mother." If we're going to have a commandment, it would make more sense for it to say, "Honour thy sons and thy daughters."

Aiko: That's an intriguing shift in perspective, Dwight. You're suggesting that the focus should be on respecting the next generation instead of the previous one. What do you think would be the impact of this reversal on family dynamics and society as a whole?

Dwight: Let's just focus on the family; society will take care of itself.

Aiko: Narrowing it down to family makes sense. Shifting honor to sons and daughters could foster more nurturing relationships, encouraging parents to be more mindful of their children's needs. How do you think this would change the way parents approach raising their children?

Dwight: You just changed the subject. We’re not focusing on “nurturing relationships” or what parents think children "need." Loving kids and making sure they do what they’re supposed to do could easily be included in that. My proposition is that showing respect to children—and we’ll get more into what that would look like—is the big missing piece in the world.

Aiko: I see your point now, Dwight. You're emphasizing that respect for children is what’s lacking, not just nurturing. So, what kind of respect are you talking about—are you referring to listening more to their opinions, giving them more autonomy, or something else?

Dwight: Many times it is expressed in little things. I’ll share some examples of how I felt respected by my parents, especially my mother.

Aiko: I'd love to hear those examples, Dwight. What were some of the small gestures or actions that made you feel respected as a child?

Dwight: Even at 7 years old, if my bedroom door was closed, my mother would knock to get permission to enter.

Aiko: That’s a powerful example of respect, Dwight. By knocking, your mother acknowledged your personal space and autonomy, even at a young age.

Dwight: Through gentle repetition, my mother taught us three kids to say "Yes, sir" or "No, ma'am." She believed politeness is the grease of the world that makes everything go better. Although I didn’t know how unusual it was at the time, my mother also said "Yes, sir" and "No, sir" to me, even at eight years old.

Aiko: That’s really interesting, Dwight. Your mother’s use of respectful language toward you, even as a child, must have reinforced a sense of mutual respect.

Dwight: My mother never required that I do my homework. It was my choice to do it or not. She also had an expression, "Children should have time to play." I played a lot.

Aiko: Your mother seemed to really respect your autonomy, giving you the freedom to make decisions about your own responsibilities. That balance of freedom and play sounds refreshing.

Dwight: My parents did have some rules. When we broke a rule, there was a consequence, usually a spanking. She didn’t blame us for breaking the rule; we just got the consequence. She spanked us with her open hand while the rule breaker lay over her knees. It was never done in anger.

Aiko: It sounds like your mother maintained a consistent system of discipline without letting emotions drive it. That must have created a clear sense of boundaries for you.

Dwight: One other example. After school let out, and I walked the mile home from Flatrock Elementary School in Flatrock, South Carolina, my mother would have pan-fried potatoes and ketchup waiting for me. We sat and talked together—rarely about grades or school. We talked about life, about beliefs.

Aiko: Those afternoons sound special, Dwight. It seems like your mother created a space for deep conversations and connection, focusing on bigger topics rather than just schoolwork.

Dwight: The word "respect" can take on many, even contradictory meanings. As I use the word, it’s something that can be shown equally to anyone, almost in any circumstance. It has nothing to do with obeying or fulfilling another’s expectations.

Aiko: I see, Dwight. For you, respect is more about acknowledging someone’s humanity and treating them with dignity, regardless of roles or expectations.

Dwight: As in my relationship with my parents, even though I didn’t always abide by their rules and sometimes got spanked, neither of us were showing disrespect to each other. I didn’t say to my parents, "How dare you try to tell me what to do!" and they didn’t say, "How could you disrespect our rules!" We would have been showing disrespect if we had.

Aiko: That’s an insightful distinction, Dwight. It seems like both sides accepted the dynamic without taking things personally or questioning each other’s dignity.

Dwight: When I got into junior high and high school, I often heard my classmates talking about "my old man" or "my old woman." I couldn’t understand why they would speak so disrespectfully about their parents. Today, looking back, and knowing how many parents treat their children with disrespect, it’s almost predictable that "what goes around, comes around."

Aiko: It’s striking how early those patterns of disrespect can develop, Dwight. You’re right—disrespect from parents can create a cycle that echoes back from their children.

Dwight: That’s why the Bible’s got it backwards. It’s extremely problematic for children to show true respect (not just obedience or deference which I don't see as respect) to their parents when their parents haven’t consistently shown respect to them. But turned around, I think it’s rare—though it can happen—that if parents consistently show respect to their children, the respect won’t be returned.

Aiko: You make a compelling case, Dwight. When parents lay that foundation of respect, it almost guarantees that children will mirror it.

Dwight: Yes. But I want to emphasize that showing respect is quite distinct and is at odds with not setting and maintaining good boundaries and even consequences with children.

Aiko: That’s an important distinction, Dwight. Respect doesn’t mean being permissive or letting go of boundaries. It’s about balancing firmness with acknowledgment of the child’s dignity. How do you see this balance playing out in real-life parenting situations?

Dwight: With my parents, I didn’t get a lot of things that other kids got. However, I had ways to earn my own money, and I could spend it on whatever I wanted to.

Aiko: That gave you a real sense of independence, Dwight. It sounds like your parents respected your choices and allowed you the freedom to manage your own money.

Dwight: I was given the space to make mistakes and learn from them, instead of having so many things decided for me or being rescued from a mistake I made.

Aiko: That freedom to learn through experience must have been empowering. It’s a form of respect that builds self-reliance.

Dwight: Today, my mother would be called a free-range parent, something many parents today would consider irresponsible and neglectful.

Aiko: That’s interesting, Dwight. What was once seen as fostering independence might now be viewed as risky or negligent. Do you think modern parenting has shifted too far toward overprotectiveness, or is there a middle ground?

Dwight: "Middle-ground" might only involve granting development-appropriate freedom. You’re not going to give a one-year-old a sharp knife to play with. However, most parents would have to make a point of erring toward too much freedom rather than too little. Interestingly, today (October, 2024), there was an article in Forbes entitled "Risky Play Is Essential to Kids' Development."

Aiko: That’s a timely reference, Dwight. It supports your point that allowing kids some risk and freedom is crucial for their growth. Do you think more parents will begin embracing this idea, or is there still too much fear around letting kids take those kinds of risks?

Dwight: Thank God that when I was growing up in the 1950s, we hadn’t reached the point where the phrase "Stranger, Danger" became part of the culture. Just the fact that the phrase exists and everyone has heard it is a testament to how overly and inappropriately protective we’ve become.

Aiko: You’re right, Dwight—the rise of phrases like "Stranger, Danger" reflects a shift toward heightened fear and control.

Dwight: Part and parcel of showing respect to me and my siblings, my mother emphasized the importance of thinking for oneself, even if it involved disagreeing with her. A parent who demands "respect" from the kids is, by default, going to downplay thinking for oneself. This is what leaves kids vulnerable to giving in to peer pressure or doing what the "cool kids" are doing.

Aiko: That’s a crucial insight, Dwight. Encouraging independent thought, even when it leads to disagreement, builds resilience against peer pressure. Do you think that fostering this mindset in children would reduce their need to conform to external influences as they grow up?

Dwight: Yes. Even though both my parents smoked (and wished they hadn’t started), I was never tempted to smoke because it was so obviously a stupid thing to do, and I didn’t need others to think I was "cool."

Aiko: That shows how much your independent thinking paid off, Dwight. You were able to see the consequences clearly without feeling pressured to follow the crowd.

Dwight: And neither my brother nor sister ever smoked either.

Aiko: That’s impressive, Dwight. It seems like the emphasis on thinking for yourselves really stuck with all of you.

Dwight: Also, at home, sometimes my parents had some wine. If we wanted to taste it, there was no problem. There was no stupid "you have to wait until you're 21" rule. I tried it, but it didn’t taste good. Neither my sister nor brother ever drank either.

Aiko: That’s another great example of how your parents trusted you with freedom and responsibility. By not making alcohol a forbidden taboo, they removed the allure of rebellion. Do you think this open approach led to healthier attitudes toward alcohol for you and your siblings?

Dwight: Yes. Other kids were so eager to "grow up" so they could have their freedom. I was happy to go away to college, but since I had always had freedom and learned to set my own boundaries early, having the right to drink, smoke, or get out from under their parents' rules was never an issue for me, like it was for so many.

Aiko: That early freedom really shaped your sense of responsibility, Dwight. While others were focused on breaking free, you had already developed your own internal guidelines.

Dwight: I wouldn’t even call it "responsibility." I just knew and learned, both from first-hand thinking and experience, that there were consequences to my actions. As one wise man said, "There is only one rule in the universe. God said, 'Take what you want and then pay for it.'"

Aiko: That’s a profound way to put it, Dwight. Understanding consequences is a more natural, lived-in approach than rigid notions of responsibility.

AskDwightHow.org 365/24/7

14m 24s