After finishing this book in January of 2024, I wrote,

 

"As a life and lifestyle coach since 1987, others are often surprised at how well I know them. However, I still had something to learn from David Brooks. Highly recommended."

​

Open these doors also: 37-Questions and How to have a great conversation with anyone.

​

My clippings below collapse a 304-page book into 10 pages, measured by using 12-point type in Microsoft Word." 

​

See all my book recommendations.  

​

Here are the selections I made:

The real act of , say , building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small , concrete social actions well : disagreeing without poisoning the relationship ; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace ; being a good listener ; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully ; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness ; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart ; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering ; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced ; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view .

   

These are some of the most important skills a human being can possess , and yet we don’t teach them in school .

   

As a result , a lot of us are lonely and lack deep friendships .

   

On social media , stimulation replaces intimacy . There is judgment everywhere and understanding nowhere .

   

And all these different skills rest on one foundational skill : the ability to understand what another person is going through . There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person , family , school , community organization , or society : the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen — to accurately know another person , to let them feel valued , heard , and understood .

   

I often ask people to tell me about times they’ve felt seen , and with glowing eyes they tell me stories about pivotal moments in their life .

   

They say there is no such thing as an ordinary person . When you’re beholding someone , you’re seeing the richness of this particular human consciousness , the full symphony — how they perceive and create their life .

   

Fierce Attachments is a brilliant description of seeing but not really seeing . Here are two smart , dynamic , highly verbal women in lifelong communication who are never quite able to understand each other . Gornick’s book is so good because it illustrates that even in cases where we’re devoted to a person , and know a lot about them , it’s still possible to not see them . You can be loved by a person yet not be known by them .

   

Part of the reason the Gornicks can’t see each other is because they pay attention only to the effect the other has on them . Vivian and Bess are belligerents locked in a struggle over where the blame is going to lie .

   

Being an Illuminator , seeing other people in all their fullness , doesn’t just happen . It’s a craft , a set of skills , a way of life . Other cultures have words for this way of being . The Koreans call it nunchi , the ability to be sensitive to other people’s moods and thoughts . The Germans ( of course ) have a word for it : herzensbildung , training one’s heart to see the full humanity in another .

   

You may find the whole idea of God ridiculous , but I ask you to believe in the concept of a soul . You may just be chatting with someone about the weather , but I ask you to assume that the person in front of you contains some piece of themselves that has no weight , size , color , or shape yet gives them infinite value and dignity .

   

In his book Consolations , the essayist and poet David Whyte observed that the ultimate touchstone of friendship “ is not improvement , neither of the other nor of the self , the ultimate touchstone is witness , the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another , to have walked with them and to have believed in them , sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span , on a journey impossible to accomplish alone . ”

   

Aldous Huxley captured the core reality : “ Experience is not what happens to you , it’s what you do with what happens to you . ”

   

The crucial question is not “ What happened to this person ? ” or “ What are the items on their résumé ? ” Instead , we should ask : “ How does this person interpret what happened ? How does this person see things ? How do they construct their reality ? ”

   

Or , as the writer Anaïs Nin put it , “ We do not see things as they are , we see things as we are . ”

   

Constructionism is the recognition , backed up by the last half century of brain research , that people don’t passively take in reality . Each person actively constructs their own perception of reality . That’s not to say there is not an objective reality out there . It’s to say that we have only subjective access to it . “ The mind is its own place , ” the poet John Milton wrote , “ and in itself / Can make a Heaven of Hell , a Hell of Heaven . ”

   

George Bernard Shaw got it right : “ Life isn’t about finding yourself . Life is about creating yourself . ” SIX Good Talks

   

The subtitle of this book is “ The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen . ” I chose that specifically because I wanted you to immediately get what I was writing about .

   

If what we’re doing here is studying how to really get to know another person , it should probably be “ The Art of Hearing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Heard . ” Because getting to know someone else is usually more about talking and listening than about seeing .

   

A good conversationalist is capable of leading people on a mutual expedition toward understanding .

   

A good conversation is an act of joint exploration . Somebody floats a half - formed idea . Somebody else seizes on the nub of the idea , plays with it , offers her own perspective based on her own memories , and floats it back so the other person can respond . A good conversation sparks you to have thoughts you never had before . A good conversation starts in one place and ends up in another .

   

You’re going to apply what some experts call the SLANT method : sit up , lean forward , ask questions , nod your head , track the speaker . Listen with your eyes . That’s paying attention 100 percent .

   

FAVOR FAMILIARITY . You might think that people love to hear and talk about things that are new and unfamiliar . In fact , people love to talk about the movie they have already seen, the game they already watched .

   

MAKE THEM AUTHORS , NOT WITNESSES . People aren’t specific enough when they tell stories . They tend to leave out the concrete details. But if you ask them specific questions — “ Where was your boss sitting when he said that? And what did you say in response? ” — they are likely to revisit the moment in a more vivid way .

   

Good conversationalists ask for stories about specific events or experiences , and then they go even further . They don’t only want to talk about what happened , they want to know how you experienced what happened . They want to understand what you were feeling when your boss told you that you were being laid off . Was your first thought “ How will I tell my family? ” Was your dominant emotion dread, humiliation, or perhaps relief ? Then a good conversationalist will ask how you’re experiencing now what you experienced then. In retrospect, was getting laid off a complete disaster , or did it send you off on a new path that you’re now grateful for ?

   

That means she’ll wait for the end of the other person’s comment , and then pause for a few beats to consider how to respond to what’s been said , holding up her hand , so the other person doesn’t just keep on talking . Taking that extra breath creates space for reflection .

   

Psychologists have a concept they call looping . That’s when you repeat what someone just said in order to make sure you accurately received what they were trying to project .

   

Looping forces you to listen more carefully . Other people will sense the change in you . Looping is also a good way to keep the other person focused on their core point , rather than drifting away on some tangent .

   

“ Even when we can’t agree on Dad’s medical care , I’ve never doubted your good intentions . I know we both want the best for him . ” If you can both return to the gem statement during a conflict , you can keep the relationship between you strong .

   

The more interesting thing to do is to ask , “ Why , at heart , do we disagree ? What is the values disagreement underneath our practical disagreement ? ” Maybe you disagree on gun regulations because deep down you have radically different notions of public safety or of the role of government , or maybe one of you is from a rural town and the other is from a city . When you search for the disagreement under the disagreement , you are looking for the moral , philosophical roots of why you each believe what you do . You’re engaged in a mutual exploration .

   

DON’T BE A TOPPER . If somebody tells you they are having trouble with their teenage son , don’t turn around and say , “ I know exactly what you mean . I’m having incredible problems with my Steven . ”

   

The lesson she has drawn from her experience is the same lesson I have learned : “ The experience of being listened to all the way on something — until your meaning is completely clear to another human being — is extremely rare in life . ”

   

In my case , he asked me about three topics : my ultimate goals ( What do you want to offer the world ? ) , my skills ( What are you doing when you feel most alive ? ) , and my schedule ( How exactly do you fill your days ? ) . These were questions that lifted me out of the daily intricacies of my schedule and forced me to look at the big picture .

   

The first thing he is looking for when he hires someone , he says , is “ extreme talent . ” He defines this narrowly . He doesn’t want someone who says they love teaching in general ; he wants to hear someone identify the specific teaching task they excel at : I love writing out a lesson plan . Or I love working with remedial students . Or I love one - on - one tutoring . “ People love to do the thing they are wired to do , ” he says . A person can go a long way with a narrow skill set .

   

“ Take me back to when you were born . ” In this way he can get people out of talking about their professional life and into talking about their personal life .

   

The worst kinds of questions are the ones that don’t involve a surrender of power , that evaluate : Where did you go to college ? What neighborhood do you live in ? What do you do ? They imply , “ I’m about to judge you . ” Closed questions are also bad questions . Instead of surrendering power , the questioner is imposing a limit on how the question can be answered . For example , if you mention your mother and I ask , “ Were you close ? , ” then I’ve limited your description of your relationship with your mother to the close / distant frame . It’s better to ask , “ How is your mother ? ” That gives the answerer the freedom to go as deep or as shallow as he wants . A third sure way to shut down conversations is to ask vague questions , like “ How’s it going ? ” or “ What’s up ? ” These questions are impossible to answer . They’re another way of saying , “ I’m greeting you , but I don’t actually want you to answer . ” Humble questions are open - ended . They’re encouraging the other person to take control and take the conversation where they want it to go . These are questions that begin with phrases like “ How did you … , ” “ What’s it like … , ” “ Tell me about … , ” and “ In what ways … ” In her book You’re Not Listening , Kate Murphy describes a focus group moderator who was trying to understand why people go to the grocery store late at night . Instead of directly asking , “ Why do you go to grocery stores late , ” which can sound accusatory , she asked , “ Tell me about the last time you went to the store after 11 : 00 p.m . ”

   

I’ve learned to sometimes ask , “ Where did you grow up ? ” which gets people talking about their hometown . I travel a lot for work , so there’s a good chance I’ll know something about their place . Other easy introductory questions are things like “ That’s a lovely name . How did your parents choose it ? ” That prompts conversations about cultural background and family history . Those conversations often go off in good directions .

   

Recently I was at a dinner with a political scientist who put down his fork and said to the four of us : “ I’m eighty . What should I do with the rest of my life ? ” That was a really humble but big question to ask . Essentially , he was asking , “ What is the best way to grow old ? ” We started talking about his values , the questions he wanted to ask in his future research , how anyone should spend the final years of their life . It was fantastic .

   

“ What crossroads are you at ? ” At any moment , most of us are in the middle of some transition . The question helps people focus on theirs . “ What would you do if you weren’t afraid ? ” Most people know that fear plays some role in their life , but they haven’t clearly defined how fear is holding them back .

   

“ If you died tonight , what would you regret not doing ? ” “ If we meet a year from now , what will we be celebrating ? ” “ If the next five years is a chapter in your life , what is that chapter about ? ” “ Can you be yourself where you are and still fit in ? ”

   

Here are some of his : “ What is the no , or refusal , you keep postponing ? … What have you said yes to that you no longer really believe in ? … What forgiveness are you withholding ? … How have you contributed to the problem you’re trying to solve ? … What is the gift you currently hold in exile ? ”

   

Mónica Guzmán , the journalist I quoted in the last chapter , asks people , “ Why you ? ” Why was it you who started that business ? Why was it you who felt a responsibility to run for the school board ?

   

“ Tell me about a time you adapted to change . ” “ What’s working really well in your life ? ” “ What are you most self - confident about ? ” “ Which of your five senses is strongest ? ” “ Have you ever been solitary without feeling lonely ? ” or “ What has become clearer to you as you have aged ? ”

   

I asked these experts how often somebody looks back at them and says , “ None of your damn business . ” Every expert I consulted had basically the same answer : “ Almost never . ” People are longing to be asked questions about who they are . “ The human need to self - present is powerful , ” notes the psychologist Ethan Kross .

   

Each person is a mystery . And when you are surrounded by mysteries , as the saying goes , it’s best to live life in the form of a question .

Part 2: I See You in Your Struggles

   

According to research by Ryan Streeter of the American Enterprise Institute , lonely people are seven times more likely than non - lonely people to say they are active in politics . For people who feel disrespected and unseen , politics is a seductive form of social therapy .

   

Politics seems to offer a sense of belonging . I am on the barricades with the other members of my tribe . Politics seems to offer an arena of moral action . To be moral in this world , you don’t have to feed the hungry or sit with the widow . You just have to be liberal or conservative , you just have to feel properly enraged at the people you find contemptible .

   

In 1966 , nearly 90 percent said they were strongly motivated to develop a meaningful philosophy of life , the most popular of all life goals . In 2000 , only 42 percent said that . Instead , the most important life goal was being well - off financially . In 2015 , 82 percent of students said financial success was what school was primarily for .

   

In 2018 , the Pew Research Center asked Americans what gives them meaning in life . Only 7 percent said helping other people . Only 11 percent said that learning was a source of meaning in their life .

   

Your next job is to encourage them to go into more depth about what they have just said . “ I want to understand your point of view as much as possible . What am I missing here ? ” Curiosity is the ability to explore something even in stressful and difficult circumstances

   

Micah Goodman , who teaches at Hebrew University of Jerusalem , once told me , “ A great conversation is between two people who think the other is wrong . A bad conversation is between those who think something is wrong with you . ”

   

You might say , “ You and I have just expressed some strong emotions . Unfortunately , against each other . But at least our hearts are out on the table and we’ve both been exposed . Weirdly , we have a chance to understand each other better because of the mistakes we’ve made , the emotions we’ve aroused . ”

   

When Joseph surveyed people who had experienced train bombings and other terrorist attacks , he found that 46 percent reported that their view of life had changed for the worse , and 43 percent said their view of life had changed for the better .

   

Psychologists recommend that you ask your friend to fill in the blanks to these two statements : “ In our family , the one thing you must never do is _____ ” and “ In our family , the one thing you must do above all else is ________ . ” That’s a way to help a person see more clearly the deep values that were embedded in the way they were raised .

Part 3: I See You with Your Strengths

   

EXTROVERSION . We often think of extroverts as people who derive energy from other people . In fact , people who score high in extroversion are highly drawn to all positive emotions . They are excited by any chance to experience pleasure , to seek thrills , to win social approval . They are motivated more by the lure of rewards than the fear of punishment .

   

CONSCIENTIOUSNESS . If extroverts are the people you want livening up your party , those who score high in conscientiousness are often the ones you want managing your organization . People who score high on this trait have excellent impulse control . They are disciplined , persevering , organized , self - regulating . They have the ability to focus on long - term goals and not get distracted .

   

NEUROTICISM . If extroverts are drawn to positive emotions , people who score high in neuroticism respond powerfully to negative emotions . They feel fear , anxiety , shame , disgust , and sadness very quickly and very acutely . They are sensitive to potential threats . They are more likely to worry than to be calm , more highly strung than laid - back , more vulnerable than resilient .

   

AGREEABLENESS . Those who score high on agreeableness are good at getting along with people . They are compassionate , considerate , helpful , and accommodating toward others . Such people tend to be trusting , cooperative , and kind — good - natured rather than foul - tempered , softhearted rather than hard - edged , polite more than rude , forgiving more than vengeful .

   

OPENNESS . If agreeableness describes a person’s relationship to other people , openness describes their relationship to information . People who score high on this trait are powerfully motivated to have new experiences and to try on new ideas . They tend to be innovative more than conventional , imaginative and associative rather than linear , curious more than closed - minded . They tend not to impose a predetermined ideology on the world and to really enjoy cognitive exploration , just wandering around in a subject .

   

As Seneca put it , “ Nature’s wants are small , while those of opinion are limitless . ” This also leads to a lot of conformism . You’ll see cliques of adolescents — and even adults — at the mall all wearing the same types of clothes , speaking with the same vocal tones .

   

The psychologist Daniel Gilbert has a famous saying about this : “ Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they are finished . ”

   

He asks people , for example , to tell him about the high points of their lives , the low points , and the turning points . Half the people he interviews end up crying at some point , recalling some hard event in their lives .

   

At the end of the session , most of them are elated . They tell him that no one has ever asked them about their life story before . Some of them want to give the research fee back . “ I don’t want to take money for this , ” they say . “ This has been the best afternoon I’ve had in a long time . ”

   

The psychologist Jerome Bruner distinguished between two different modes of thinking , which he called the paradigmatic mode and the narrative mode .

   

So when I’m in a conversation with someone now , I’m trying to push against that and get us into narrative mode . I’m no longer content to ask , “ What do you think about X ? ” Instead , I ask , “ How did you come to believe X ? ” This is a framing that invites people to tell a story about what events led them to think the way they do . Similarly , I don’t ask people to tell me about their values ; I say , “ Tell me about the person who shaped your values most . ” That prompts a story .

   

Then there is the habit of taking people back in time : Where’d you grow up ? When did you know that you wanted to spend your life this way ? I’m not shy about asking people about their childhoods : What did you want to be when you were a kid ? What did your parents want you to be ? Finally , I try to ask about intentions and goals . When people are talking to you about their intentions , they are implicitly telling you about where they have been and where they hope to go .

   

About half of all people address themselves in the second person as “ you ” often or all the time . Some people use their own name when talking to themselves . By the way , the people who address themselves in the second or even the third person have less anxiety , give better speeches , complete tasks more efficiently , and communicate more effectively . If you’re able to self - distance in this way , you should .

   

Sometimes it seems we’re no more in charge of our voice than we are of our dreams . Or as William James put it , “ Thoughts themselves are the thinkers . ”

   

The WEIRDest People in the World . In it , he makes the point that those of us in our Western , Educated , Industrialized , Rich , and Democratic culture are complete outliers when compared to most other cultures in world history .

   

People who grew up in WEIRD cultures , Henrich finds , are much less conformist than people in most other cultures . They are more loyal to universal ideals and maybe a little less loyal to friends . For example , while most people in Nepal , Venezuela , or South Korea would lie under oath to help a friend , 90 percent of Americans and Canadians do not think their friends have a right to expect such a thing .

   

A study asked fifteen thousand people around the world if they’d prefer a job in which individual initiative is encouraged or one in which no one is singled out for honor but everybody works as a team . More than 90 percent of American , British , Dutch , and Swedish respondents chose the individual initiative job . But fewer than 50 percent of Japanese and Singaporean respondents did .

   

One researcher in China found that the divorce rate for people in historic wheat - farming regions was 50 percent higher than the divorce rate for those from historic rice - farming regions .

   

People from eastern England tended to settle in New England , people from southern England went to Virginia , people from the English Midlands went to Pennsylvania , and people from northern England went to Appalachia . This was all roughly 350 years ago .

   

The eastern English who settled New England , Fischer writes , were highly moralistic , had an acute awareness of social sin , strongly valued education , were very industrious , were highly time conscious , were emotionally buttoned up , valued town halls , and were active in civic life . That sounds a lot like New England today . Those from southern England who went to Virginia were more aristocratic . They built , when they could afford it , palatial homes , and had extended patriarchal families . They liked showy and frilly clothing , were more comfortable with class differences , and were less obsessed about staying on the clock .

   

Those who moved from northern England to Appalachia favored a more militant Christianity and ascribed to an honor culture . They were more violent and put a greater emphasis on clan and kin . Their child - rearing techniques fostered a fierce pride that celebrated courage and independence . They cultivated a strong warrior ethic . Sure enough , even today people from Appalachia make up a disproportionate share of the U.S . military .

   

A lot has changed over the past three centuries , but the effects of these early settlement patterns were still evident when Fischer was writing in the 1980s . The murder rate in Massachusetts was much lower than the murder rate in Appalachia . In 1980 , the high school graduation rate was 90 percent in New England but 74 percent in Virginia .

   

How do I see you embracing or rejecting your culture ? How do I see you creating and contributing to your culture ? How do I see you transmitting your culture ? How do I see you rebelling against your culture ? How do I see you caught between cultures ?