What does it mean to be a "good guy"?

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A good guy is someone who expects others to be "fair" and therefore avoids taking full responsibility for ensuring their own needs are met in their relationships. This often leads to them being taken advantage of by others.

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A good guy will let "straw" build up on their back (until it breaks)

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A good guy is someone who avoids addressing small upsets with others when they first happen. Instead, they allow feelings of being disrespected or taken for granted to build up until it results in either a blow-up or withdrawal from the relationship.

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A good guy, in trying to be a good guy, trains other guys to be bad

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A good guy, due to their commitment to being kind, avoiding hurting others, helping people, being a good parent, a supportive boss, a team player, or a good spouse or child, often tolerates bad behavior or rescues others. This inadvertently encourages others to continue their bad behavior or reliance on being rescued. Many of us recognize how people use anger or the threat of it to get their way—good guys have trained them to act that way.

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A good guy will not speak up (in order to take care of themselves) about "bad" behaviors

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In order to avoid the risk of occurring like a bad guy, a good guy will not speak up or do what they need to do in order to ensure they are taking care of themselves.

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A good guy will consistently get into other people's business

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A good guy is willing to use force, blame, or disapproval to push others into doing what they believe is best for them. While this may have short-term benefits, it often comes with larger long-term consequences. Good guys tend to meddle in others' affairs rather than focusing on their own.

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A good guy, believing in good and bad, will blame others for "being bad"

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A good guy is likely to label certain people as "bad guys," which stifles their curiosity about why others act the way they do. By viewing someone as a bad guy, they often end up being seen as a bad guy themselves, as the other person defends their actions, confirming the good guy’s belief that the bad guy is a bad guy.

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Good guys cause of all bad behavior

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Why do some people come across as bad guys? Why do their behaviors persist? It’s because good guys, when they act in the ways described above, train them to be that way. Good guys neglect their primary responsibility: to take care of themselves.

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A truly good guy is not able to find any bad guys in their life

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A truly good guy, on the other hand, takes full responsibility for fulfilling their primary role—creating and maintaining mutually beneficial relationships. They make requests when needed, say "no" when appropriate, and maintain healthy boundaries. These "good good guys" take 100% responsibility for the quality of their relationships, and for them, there are no bad guys.​​​

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