Dwight: I want to explore an idea with you that I'm calling, "Kindness: the enemy of respect."

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Aiko: That's an intriguing concept, Dwight. Are you suggesting that too much kindness might undermine or prevent people from truly respecting each other?

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Dwight: I intend to highlight several different types of situations where people choose "being kind" over showing respect, and miss the chance for better relationships and more valued outcomes.

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Aiko: It sounds like you're suggesting that kindness can sometimes lead to superficiality, while respect requires more honesty and depth in interactions. Can you share an example of one of these situations?

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Dwight: Let's look at an example I know about. In 1971, a friend of mine was studying at Dartmouth in Massachusetts. He and his girlfriend from a nearby university would meet every weekend for visits and great sex. One day, she abruptly said goodbye with a vague reason he didn’t understand. Not wanting to make her uncomfortable, he didn’t push for the real reason. They separated for 35 years, with him going through two marriages and divorces, still in love with her. I urged him to reconnect. When they did, she revealed she had loved him but feared getting pregnant and didn’t want to repeat her mother's mistake of having to drop out of college and losing her freedom. Out of kindness, she didn't share her real concern, not wanting to burden him. They married, 35 years late.

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Aiko: Wow, that's a powerful example. It really shows how choosing kindness, or avoiding discomfort, led to a missed opportunity for deeper understanding and a long-lasting connection. In this case, honesty might have fostered more respect and an entirely different path for both of them.

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Dwight: Now, a more current example. My 21-year-old Vietnamese assistant is living with an elderly lady, helping with housework in exchange for room and board, and being available if the lady needs help at night. My assistant has decided to move because, although she's happy with the arrangement, she's worried that her landlady might need more help in the future than she can provide, and she doesn’t want to risk disappointing her. I suggested she talk openly with the lady and say, "I love our arrangement now, but I’m concerned you might expect more from me later than I can give." I advised her to trust her landlady to make her own decisions instead of preemptively deciding for her, which could lead them both to miss out.

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Aiko: That’s a great example of how preemptive kindness can limit open communication and future possibilities. By addressing the concern directly, your assistant could show respect for the landlady’s autonomy and create a clearer understanding, possibly strengthening their relationship.

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Dwight: I had a client whose 23-year-old son had a pattern of getting arrested for drunkenness or similar behaviors. Out of kindness and concern, my client would usually bail him out of jail instead of letting him wait until the case went to trial. It took a supreme act of courage and respect for him to stop bailing his son out and allow him to face the consequences of his actions.

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Aiko: That’s a powerful shift from kindness to respect. By not bailing his son out, your client gave him the opportunity to learn from his mistakes, which likely had a more lasting impact on his son's growth and accountability. It shows how respect sometimes requires tough love.

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Dwight: Even in my own experience back in 1979, I had a deep conversation with my mother about her marriage to my father, a man she hadn’t loved or respected for over 30 years. She decided to leave him. A few months later, while I was in back Arizona and my parents were in Tennessee, I noticed no sign of her leaving. Out of not wanting to make her uncomfortable, I didn’t ask, "What made you change your mind?" Five years later, she finally left him after enduring five more miserable years. After she left, I found out my grandmother had said, "You can’t leave him, Dorothy. He needs you." My mother gave in. If I had called her back then and asked why she changed her mind, I believe I could’ve helped her stick to her original decision and she’d have had five much happier years.

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Aiko: That’s such a personal example, Dwight, and it really underscores the cost of choosing silence or kindness over confronting the truth. If you had asked that tough question, it might have given your mother the support she needed to follow through sooner. It’s a reminder that respect often means being willing to ask uncomfortable but necessary questions.

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Dwight: Now for a more mundane, but still impactful, example. Recently, I've been going door-to-door in my apartment building, where I’ve lived since June 2023, introducing myself to my neighbors. When I asked one of my assistants to help by interpreting, he declined, saying, "It’s too uncomfortable for me to bother people like that." I understand that it might make some people feel bothered, and I’d be sensitive if they gave signals to "go away." However, I also believe it’s respectful to trust that people are "big enough" to take care of themselves and say "no" if they want to.

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Aiko: That’s a great example of balancing sensitivity with respect. You’re acknowledging that discomfort might exist, but you’re also giving your neighbors the respect and autonomy to decide for themselves how to respond, rather than assuming on their behalf. It’s a subtle but important distinction.

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Dwight: How often do we avoid asking others for something we want because we don’t want to make them uncomfortable by having to say "no" to us? What untold opportunities does this habit of kindness snuff out for everyone?

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Aiko: That’s such a thought-provoking point. By preemptively avoiding a "no," we close off so many possibilities, both for ourselves and for others. It’s a kind of self-censorship that can prevent meaningful connections, growth, and even opportunities we might never have imagined.

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Dwight: On the flip side, how often do we avoid saying "no" to others out of "kindness" when we actually need to say "no" to take care of ourselves and preserve our relationship by preventing resentment from building up?

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Aiko: That's a great point. Saying "no" can be an act of respect for both ourselves and the other person. By setting clear boundaries, we prevent resentment and ensure that the relationship stays healthy, instead of letting unspoken frustration erode it over time.

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Dwight: How often do we become non-responsive or ghost someone because we think it would seem "cruel" to communicate directly and tell them what’s really going on?

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Aiko: That’s a common scenario. We avoid direct communication, thinking it's kinder to spare someone's feelings, but in reality, it often causes more confusion and pain. Honest, clear communication, while uncomfortable, usually shows more respect and care in the long run.

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Dwight: I'm all for kindness. But we've become addicted to short-term kindness at the expense of long-term cruelty, both for ourselves and others.

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Aiko: I completely agree, Dwight. Prioritizing immediate comfort can lead to much bigger, long-term problems. True kindness sometimes means facing discomfort now to avoid deeper harm later. It’s about balancing empathy with honesty and respect.

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Dwight: Do you think I’ve made my point, Aiko?

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Aiko: Absolutely, Dwight. You've clearly highlighted how short-term kindness can undermine respect and create long-term issues. Your examples really illustrate how important it is to prioritize honesty and respect, even when it's uncomfortable.

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