Listening is distinct from agreeing or obeying

 

Most of us, most of the time never really listen, even though the biggest gift that we can often give someone is to just listen.

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Why don't we listen?

 

I believe we find listening difficult for three reasons.

 

 

Reason one

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The first reason is that we have confused the idea of listening with the idea of agreeing with someone or obeying someone.

 

Really listening does not mean that you agree with what someone says. Really listening does not mean that you will do anything that may be requested. Listening is distinct from agreeing or obeying.

 

For example, if your spouse says to you, “I feel really hurt that you didn’t cook dinner for me tonight,”

you can really listen to what they say, even feel compassion for how they are feeling, while responding, “I know that you feel really hurt that I didn’t cook for you tonight.”

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You can do this even if you disagree with their interpretation of what it means that you didn't cook dinner for them.

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Reason two

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The second reason is that we confuse "listening" with obeying. Not true. You can listen even if you know that you will not necessarily cook dinner for them in the future even if they might get upset about it if you don't.

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Reason three

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The third reason is that we get defensive. We believe that we have to defend something. We have to defend that we may disagree with them. We have to defend or justify that we may not change our behavior. We think that must understand us so as not to blame us. Go to this suite: Undoing defensiveness.

 

 

Slow down and listen: it will be the best investment you ever made

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Do you really listen to your lover or spouse?

To your mother, to your father, to your children?

To your boss, to your subordinates, to your clients?

To your friends?

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Choose courage to listen.

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Visit these suites:

Listening

Gift of listening to others powerlessly

Listen twice; speak once

Are you hard of listening?

Listening (mostly for men)

Listening to listening

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