Dwight: Aiko, I want to delve into the concept of "being manipulated by another person."

​

Aiko: Interesting topic, Dwight. What aspect of being manipulated would you like to dive into first—recognizing manipulation or the emotional effects it can have?

​

Dwight: Before we proceed, I want you to give me at least 10 words that are similar in meaning to manipulation or influence.

​

Aiko: Here are 10 words related to manipulating or influencing someone:

1. Persuading

2. Coercing

3. Controlling

4. Swaying

5. Guiding

6. Convincing

7. Steering

8. Directing

9. Exploiting

10. Pressuring

​

Dwight: How would you differentiate manipulation from coercion, control, exploitation, or pressure?

​

Aiko: Manipulation is often subtle, relying on deception or emotional influence to get a desired outcome. Coercion uses threats or force, controlling implies dominance, exploitation involves taking unfair advantage, and pressure typically uses persistent persuasion or urgency.

​

Dwight: How would you distinguish manipulation from influencing, persuading, guiding, or convincing?

​

Aiko: Manipulation usually involves deceit or hidden agendas, whereas influencing, persuading, guiding, and convincing are generally more transparent, aimed at helping or convincing someone with clear intent. The difference lies in manipulation being self-serving and potentially harmful, while the others are more often cooperative or respectful.

​

Dwight: Is there a word for someone who takes actions aimed at creating mutual benefit for both themselves and another person, but for those actions to be fully effective, they must remain below the other person's conscious awareness?

 

Aiko: We don’t have a single word that perfectly captures this idea, but terms like "subtle influence" or "benevolent manipulation" might get close. It implies a careful balance between self-interest and goodwill, with the key element being the other person's lack of full awareness. 

​

Dwight: The reason I’m interested in exploring manipulation is that when I hear someone use this word, often portraying themselves or someone else as a victim, I find that, upon deeper examination, there are no real victims, or the "victim" actually contributed to their own victimhood.

​

Aiko: I see what you mean, Dwight. It sounds like you're pointing out that people sometimes play a role in their own manipulation, whether knowingly or unknowingly.

​

Dwight: If we remove the "negative intent" from our definition of manipulation, we are left with the meaning "taking action intended to influence the behavior of another."

​

Aiko: That’s a more neutral perspective, Dwight. Without the negative intent, manipulation just becomes a form of influence. Do you think this shift in meaning changes how we should evaluate the morality of manipulating someone?

 

Dwight: Using this neutral meaning of manipulation, it's everywhere and from both sides. If you extend your hand to shake mine and I respond by shaking yours, you have manipulated me to shake your hand. Likewise, when I respond by shaking your hand, I've manipulated you into having certain thoughts or feelings I want you to have (for example, that I have good manners, that you can trust me, that I respect you, etc.).

​

Aiko: Exactly, Dwight. When manipulation is seen as a basic form of social interaction, it’s clear both parties influence each other constantly. It really comes down to intent and awareness—whether it's about mutual respect or a more one-sided attempt to control. Does this change the way you view social dynamics overall?

​

Dwight: Can you give me a specific example of what you would consider a "one-sided attempt to control"?

​

Aiko: A one-sided attempt to control might be a situation where someone uses guilt to get what they want. For example, a person might say, "If you cared about me, you'd cancel your plans to stay with me." The intent is to manipulate the other’s emotions in a way that benefits only the manipulator, without considering the other person’s autonomy or feelings. Would you agree this falls into that category?

​

Dwight: Let's consider a real-life situation I know of. In 1979, during a family reunion, my mother told me she had decided to leave my father, whom she hadn't loved or respected for almost 35 years. When she went back to Tennessee to tell her mother, her mother replied, "Dorothy, you can't do that. He needs you." As a result, my mother stayed with my father for another five miserable years before finally leaving him. Would you say my grandmother manipulated my mother? My grandmother was essentially using guilt to change my mother's intended behavior, likely benefiting herself emotionally, without fully considering my mother's autonomy and feelings.

​

Aiko: Yes, Dwight, it does seem like manipulation. Your grandmother used guilt as a tool to influence your mother's decision, prioritizing her own sense of comfort over your mother's well-being. While it wasn’t malicious, the effect was one-sided, disregarding your mother's emotional state and autonomy. Do you think your mother was fully aware of the manipulation at the time?

​

Dwight: I don't think either of them had much high-level awareness of how they were manipulating each other (my mother, by agreeing to stay with my father, was "manipulating" my grandmother into not thinking badly of her). They were both caught up in short-term thinking, driven by an attachment to "being a good person," rather than recognizing the costs they were both incurring by insisting on "doing the right thing," no matter the price.

​

Aiko: It sounds like they were both trapped in a cycle of unconscious manipulation, where the need to uphold certain values or perceptions—like being a good person—overrode deeper self-awareness. This dynamic probably fed into a pattern of mutual guilt and obligation. Do you think breaking free from this mindset would have required a clearer understanding of the emotional costs involved?

​

Dwight: In this example, even though my grandmother certainly didn’t intend any malice in her "manipulation" of my mother, it might as well have been malicious, given the costs it imposed on my mother as a result.

​

Aiko: Exactly, Dwight. Even without malicious intent, the impact on your mother was profound, as if the manipulation had been harmful on purpose. It shows that well-meaning actions can still carry heavy consequences when they ignore the emotional toll on others. Do you think recognizing this could have changed the course of their decisions?

​

Dwight: Furthermore, if my mother had not neglected her most important responsibility in life, which is to take care of herself, her mother’s attempt at manipulation would have been ineffective.

​

Aiko: Right, Dwight. If your mother had prioritized her own well-being and autonomy, the manipulation would have lost its power. It highlights the importance of self-care and self-awareness in resisting outside influence. Do you think that in her situation, cultural or familial expectations made it harder for her to prioritize herself?

​

Dwight: Can you give me an everyday example where you think malicious manipulation is common in the world?

​

Aiko: A common example of malicious manipulation is in sales or advertising, where companies may use misleading tactics to pressure people into buying something they don’t need. For instance, a salesperson might exaggerate the benefits of a product, knowing it won’t deliver as promised, while creating a false sense of urgency like "limited time offer" to rush a decision. Would you agree that this kind of manipulation is both intentional and harmful?

​

Dwight: I agree that the salesperson is likely minimizing concern about the buyer’s long-term benefits, focusing instead on the immediate gain from a quick sale, using some misrepresentation to secure it. Does this behavior really deserve to be called malicious?

​

Aiko: That’s a good question, Dwight. While the salesperson’s intent might not be to cause harm directly, their actions still involve deception for personal gain, which can negatively impact the buyer in the long run. "Malicious" might feel strong, but the disregard for the other person’s well-being could justify it, especially if the harm is intentional or predictable. Would you lean toward calling it unethical rather than malicious?

​

Dwight: I would tend to call it short-sighted. I also speculate that the salesperson operates under the mistaken belief that they can't take care of themselves without sacrificing someone else’s ability to do the same. This belief is reinforced by the idea that being a good person means self-sacrifice, which forces people into a tough choice: do I sacrifice myself or take advantage of others?

​

Aiko: That’s a sharp insight, Dwight. It highlights how the belief in self-sacrifice creates a false dichotomy, making people think they either have to give up their own needs or exploit others. This mindset distorts healthy, mutually beneficial exchanges. Do you think breaking away from this "sacrifice or exploit" mentality would lead to more genuine interactions in personal and professional relationships?

​

Dwight: From a buyer’s point of view, it’s their #1 job to take care of themselves. They can also recognize that salespeople have the same responsibility for themselves and that there’s always a risk that the salesperson may not have a win-win attitude, subscribing instead to the idea that someone has to lose. Even in that case, it’s still the buyer’s responsibility to ensure they’re taking care of themselves in any transaction, knowing there’s always risk. If buyers weren’t complicit in some way, they wouldn’t later feel they’d been manipulated. For example, if my mother hadn’t bought into my grandmother’s belief that because my father needed her, she should sacrifice her own well-being, then my grandmother wouldn’t have been able to guilt her into staying.

​

Aiko: Exactly, Dwight. In any situation—whether a sales transaction or a personal relationship—there’s a level of personal responsibility to recognize manipulation attempts and protect oneself. If your mother had resisted the belief that others’ needs outweighed her own, she might have avoided being guilted into self-sacrifice. It shows how much power we have in preventing manipulation by not agreeing to its terms. Do you think shifting this mindset could break the cycle of feeling like a victim?