Dissolving blame with partnership

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Most of us recognize the damage that we do to others, to ourselves, and to our relationships when we speak in a way that makes others feel threatened or blamed.

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Yet, in the moment, when we feel threatened or blamed, when we feel hurt or angry, when we feel irritable or resentful, or when we want to feel in control, the language of blame seems to jump naturally from our lips, often with no realization that the other person might feel blamed by what we are saying and how we are being. Although words are not everything, the most powerful step in shifting a relationship from defensiveness and blame to good will and partnership is knowing how to speak good will and partnership through the words and tone of voice that we choose.

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If you are feeling defensive, if you are feeling irritable, if you are feeling argumentative, if you are feeling blamed, if you are feeling resentful, these are warning signals that you must think before speaking and craft your response carefully with an intent of good will and partnership, rather than defensiveness and blame.

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A new way

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It is a proactive art, however, to speak with good will and partnership, because much of our cultural training has focused on defensiveness and blame.

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When you are about to speak, ask yourself these questions:

 

• “Am I choosing words and speaking in a way that expresses good will and partnership?”

• “Are the words I’m about to speak and the way I intend to speak them likely to stimulate a feeling of defensiveness or blame in my partner?”

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Examples

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Let’s look at some examples of what your conversation partner might say (that could stimulate defensiveness in you) and how you might respond. Remember that your body language and your voice image (tonality, timbre, inflection, emphasis, etc.) must be congruent with and supportive of the content of your words in order for your speech to stand a good chance of creating the results you want.

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Example #1

 

“Why did you spend that money on clothes?!” Your automatic response is one of defensiveness. Yet, with an intention of good will and partnership, you might craft your response as:

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“You seem upset with me for buying clothes with the money. I feel automatically frightened and automatically defensive with the thought of you being upset with me for spending money on clothes. I would like to understand more fully what your actual thoughts and feelings are, and I’d like for you to understand mine. Would you share more deeply and completely with me exactly what your fears and concerns are, if any, about my spending the money on clothes?”

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Example #2

 

Your coworker, Jill, seems distant. You have no idea why she may be upset with you, if, indeed, she is. Your automatic defensive tendency is to withdraw from her and to blame her for her behavior. Yet, with an intention of good will and partnership, you might craft your response as:

 

“Jill, I need some help and advice with something. Do you have a few minutes? I really value our relationship together in the office. But it seems that I may have done or said something that has caused you to be upset with me and to feel more distant from me. I could just be imagining things; I sometimes do. But I need your help to understand what I might have done wrong and how to fix it. Could you share your thoughts and feelings with me about what I am saying?”

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Jill may give you some specific feedback which you can then respond to in a spirit of partnership. More likely, she may say, “No, nothing is wrong,” and you will notice that her behavior toward you becomes more friendly afterwards.

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Example #3

 

“You never remember my birthday!” Your automatic response is one of defensiveness. Yet, with an intention of good will and partnership, you might craft your response as:

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“I sure messed up this time. And it wasn’t the first time, was it? I think I can understand how hurt and angry you must feel toward me. And I’m scared. I’m scared of you blaming me. I’m scared of you withdrawing from me. I’m not even sure how we can talk about this together so that we can both feel closer and more loved after we finish talking. Sometimes, it seems that our talking just makes things worse. Can you share your thoughts and feelings about our situation and about what I am saying? I really need your help on this.”

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Example #4

 

“You are such a cruel and insensitive person! You #!*#! I hate you!” Your automatic response is one of fear, hurt, anger, and defensiveness. Yet, with an intention of good will and partnership, you might craft your response as:

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“Although it scares me to be around you right now, I would really like to understand your thoughts and feelings on a deeper level. But I have a problem. While I want to understand your thoughts and feelings, at the same time, I am not willing to remain in your presence if you continue to use abusive words with me. I can’t understand your thoughts and feelings without your help. Are you open to telling me more without using abusive words, or shall I leave the room for now? How do you feel? Am I making any sense?”

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The overview

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Notice how, in each example, your response is one that assumes and invites partnership to solve the problem together, a problem which is “out there,” not a problem which is your problem or their problem.

Even in the last example, where a clear boundary was set, the boundary was set inside the invitation for understanding and partnership.

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To act out our defensiveness, to blame in response to blame, to defend or attach in response to fear is often our natural and automatic response. Yet it rarely gives us the relationships and results we want.

To embrace our fear and use our intention and creativity, to craft our response with good will, partnership and vulnerability is a choice of courage, a choice that has a strong probability of giving us the relationships and results we want.

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Honor yourself for your courage, before and afterwards, each time you choose to speak in partnership.

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See also Partnership Conversation and Undoing defensiveness.