Remember the movie, Pretty Woman?

“People put you down enough, you start to believe it.” – Vivian (played by Julia Roberts)

“I think you are a very bright, very special woman.” – Edward Lewis (played by Richard Gere)

“The bad stuff is easier to believe. Did you ever notice that?” – Vivian

​

​

Why is the bad stuff easier to believe?

​

Why is the bad stuff easier to believe, whether it be about ourselves, about others, or about the circumstances of our lives?

​

Why is it easier to believe that (some) people are evil?
Why is it easier to believe in original sin?
Why is it easier to believe that there is something wrong with us?
Why is it easier to believe that we are not loved?
Why is it easier to believe that we are not special?
Why is it easier to believe that we don’t make a difference?

Why is it easier to explain another’s actions by saying

​

• “they don’t really care,” or

• “they want to hurt me,” or

• “they are insensitive,” or

• “they are selfish and greedy,” or

• “they are stupid,” or

• “they are lazy,” or

• “they are liars,” and so on?

Why is it easier to assess circumstances by saying

 

• “it’s just one of those days,” or

• “it’s just my luck,” or

• “there’s nothing I can do,” or

• “I don’t like it, but what can I do?” or

• “someday, things will be better,” or

• “all the good women are taken,” or

• “the economy is terrible,” or

• “who could enjoy this job?” and so on?

​

​

It is easier because it feels safer

By buying into our often automatic stories (which we see as facts, not stories), we lower ourselves to a point where the risk of falling lower and suffering further disappointment is minimal.

By buying into our automatic stories we can avoid the feelings of risk associated with really understanding others as well as really understanding ourselves.

​

​

Consider the following examples 

 

These are just two examples, but if you multiply these by the thousands of times situations like these occur in your own life and the billions of times they occur for others around the world, imagine the world of difference your stories can make.

​

The facts:

Someone accepts a job for less pay, less flexibility and less prestige than they wanted and felt they deserved.

​

The automatic story:

​

• This job is beneath me.

• I should be further along in my life by now.

• I’ll just have to tolerate this job until I can get a better one.

• I’m embarrassed by what my friends and family may think of my doing this job.

​

New possible stories:

​

• What unexpected gifts might come out of this job?

• What unexpected gifts might I create in this job?

• What breakthroughs might I create for myself even when my job circumstances do not fit my previous preferences?

• What friends might I make in my new job?

• What new skills might I develop?

• This is an opportunity for me to choose courage to do the best job I can and be proud of that, while taking the risk that my friends and family may think less of me.

​

The facts:

A husband comes home from work 90 minutes later than he promised to his wife.

​

His wife’s automatic stories:

​

• He doesn’t care about me enough to keep his agreements.

• He shows no respect for me.

• He expects me to be here for him, but he’s never there for me.

• He’s so inconsiderate of me; he keeps his agreements with others, but not with me.

​

New possible stories she could create:

​

• He cares about me so much in providing financially for me and the kids that he knows when it’s important to let a business need override a personal agreement.

• How does my husband experience me that getting home to be with me doesn’t seem as appealing as whatever occurred at work? What might I do so that he experiences me differently?

• What benefit might there be in my husband showing up late?

• How I might enroll my husband in being partners with me so that something like this is unlikely to happen again?

​

​

Empowering stories

​

Empowering stories, which are probably more aligned with the actual facts, open up and allow for the full range of options and actions available in a given set of circumstances.

 

The art and practice of creating empowering stories is not about boxing yourself (or others) into a Pollyanna mindset that prohibits powerful and effective action to change the circumstances.

 

In fact, truly empowering stories will allow a freedom of action unavailable to us when we are dominated by our disempowering automatic stories.

​

The next time you find yourself dissatisfied with a situation, ask yourself:

​

• “How are my automatic stories contributing to my dissatisfaction?”

• “What new stories can I create to provide myself with a feeling of empowerment and possibility?”

​

It is a choice of courage to step into these new interpretations.

​

​

​

“Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it,

for that determines our success or failure.”

—Norman Vincent Peale

“Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.”

—Aldous Huxley

“What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it.

Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity.”

—J. Sidlow Baxter