I was almost astounded by how well Aiko was able to suss out the explanations

of why the following menagerie of behaviors were often expressions of resisted fear.

As a starting point to undo any of these behaviors, visit the suite Undoing fear.

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Special note: Because of the central and pernicious role that resisted fear has in our lives, I have coined a distinct word for it: dufear. I reserve the word "fear" to denote that "pay attention" energy that may alert us to address some circumstance. Although fear is often a paper-tiger phenomenon, on the whole it is a necessary and helpful response to certain situations. If not resisted, its energy can be used and directed and it will naturally dissipate.

 

In contrast, dufear (resisted fear) introduces an unnecessary and toxic lack of integrity into our life, where one part of us is fighting with another. Unlike fear, which will provide energy and then subsides, dufear reduces our energy and resources and persists (what you resist persists). Resisted fear becomes persisting fear.

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Dwight: Aiko, I’d like us to thoroughly explore all the ways, broadly including behaviors, feelings, and attitudes, in which resistance to fear has manifested itself.

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Aiko: That’s a fascinating direction, Dwight. Let’s start by examining the subtle ways resistance can appear—perhaps in quiet determination or even defiance. Where would you like to begin?

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Dwight: Resisted fear, which I call "dufear" or "dammed-up fear," is fear we've held back or opposed. Most of what we consider "fear" has already been altered by our resistance. We've turned fear into an enemy. By the time we notice we're afraid, we’re already resisting. Worry, indecisiveness, shyness, impatience, and even guilt are forms of resisted fear. Without resistance, these states wouldn’t exist.

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Aiko: That’s an intriguing perspective. It reframes fear as something much more foundational—our resistance shapes so much of what we feel and how we act. Do you think there’s a way to engage with fear that doesn’t involve resisting it?

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Dwight: Let’s structure this dialogue: I’ll present a word like worry or pressure, and you’ll offer your best, succinct explanation of how that behavior reflects resisted fear. I’ll then comment on your thoughts, and we’ll move to the next word.

 

Aiko: That sounds like a great approach, Dwight. I’m ready when you are—what’s the first word?

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Dwight: Let’s start with behaviors that clearly reflect resisted fear. For instance, how is anxiety an expression of resisted fear?

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Aiko: Anxiety is resisted fear manifesting as a constant vigilance or anticipation of danger. It’s fear held back and redirected into a loop of what-ifs and heightened alertness.

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Dwight: Good assessment. Let’s move to jealousy—how does it express resisted fear?

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Aiko: Jealousy is resisted fear of loss or inadequacy, twisted into fixation on what others have. It’s fear that we’re not enough or might be replaced, clinging to comparison and control.

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Dwight: I’m specifically referring to romantic jealousy—how is it an expression of resisted fear?

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Aiko: Romantic jealousy is resisted fear of losing love or security in a relationship. It’s fear of abandonment or betrayal, turned into suspicion or possessiveness toward a partner.

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Dwight: How about nervousness—how does it show resisted fear?

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Aiko: Nervousness is resisted fear of failure or judgment, manifesting as physical tension and scattered thoughts. It’s fear bottled up and spilling into unease about upcoming events.

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Dwight: How about shyness—how does it express resisted fear?

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Aiko: Shyness is resisted fear of rejection or being seen, folding inward to avoid vulnerability. It’s fear channeled into withdrawal or hesitation in social situations.

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Dwight: What about worry—how does it reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Worry is resisted fear projected into the future, cycling through imagined problems and trying to control what feels uncertain. It’s fear transformed into mental overdrive.

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Dwight: Let’s move to a less obvious one: allowing others to control you—how is that resisted fear?

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Aiko: Allowing others to control you is resisted fear of confrontation or failure, surrendering autonomy to avoid conflict or the responsibility of decisions. It’s fear disguised as compliance.

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Dwight: How about attachment to someone or something—refusing to accept the possibility of loss—how does that express resisted fear?

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Aiko: Attachment in this sense is resisted fear of emptiness or change, clinging to the illusion of permanence to avoid facing the vulnerability of impermanence. It’s fear wrapped in dependency.

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Dwight: How about the excessive use of pejorative words—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Excessive pejorative language is resisted fear of being vulnerable or inadequate, masked by criticism or hostility. It’s fear redirected outward as a defense mechanism to protect one’s sense of control or superiority.

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Dwight: What about the excessive use of laudative words—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Excessive praise often reflects resisted fear of disapproval or rejection, using flattery to secure acceptance or avoid conflict. It’s fear expressed through an overcompensation for connection or approval.

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Dwight: How about ghosting someone—how does that show resisted fear?

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Aiko: Ghosting is resisted fear of confrontation or emotional discomfort, avoiding vulnerability by cutting off communication. It’s fear turned into silence and avoidance.

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Dwight: What about avoiding thinking or talking about something—how does that express resisted fear?

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Aiko: Avoidance is resisted fear of pain or uncertainty, pushing thoughts or conversations aside to escape discomfort. It’s fear buried beneath denial or distraction.

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Dwight: How about blaming or criticizing others—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Blaming or criticizing is resisted fear of personal failure or inadequacy, deflected outward to shift focus from one’s own vulnerability. It’s fear disguised as judgment or attack.

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Dwight: How about believing that you’re unlucky—how does that express resisted fear?

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Aiko: Believing you’re unlucky is resisted fear of responsibility or control, attributing setbacks to external forces to avoid facing uncertainty or personal agency. It’s fear wrapped in a narrative of helplessness.

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Dwight: How about blaming or criticizing ourselves—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Self-blame is resisted fear of external judgment or failure, turned inward as a way to preempt criticism or gain control over perceived flaws. It’s fear internalized as self-reproach.

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Dwight: How about busyness—how does that express resisted fear?

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Aiko: Busyness is resisted fear of stillness or inadequacy, filling time with activity to avoid confronting deeper uncertainties or feelings. It’s fear masked as productivity.

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Dwight: How about envy—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Envy is resisted fear of inadequacy or scarcity, fixating on what others have as a way to avoid confronting feelings of lack or self-doubt. It’s fear channeled into longing and comparison.

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Dwight: I think it’s also a way to beat others to the punch, preempting any judgment they might have about your worth.

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Aiko: Exactly, Dwight. Envy can be a defensive move, driven by the fear of being diminished in others’ eyes, as much as in your own. Shall we continue?

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Dwight: Let’s look at guilt—how does that involve a defensive move and reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Guilt is resisted fear of being judged or causing harm, turned inward as self-punishment to preempt external condemnation. It’s fear expressed as a moral reckoning, often seeking redemption or control.

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Dwight: It’s also a way to beat others to the punch, like saying, “Look, I’m already punishing myself. Don’t be too hard on me.”

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Aiko: Exactly, Dwight. Guilt often serves as a shield, signaling remorse to lessen potential backlash or judgment from others. It’s fear trying to negotiate for mercy.

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Dwight: How about comparing yourself negatively to others—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Negative self-comparison is resisted fear of inadequacy, preemptively confirming your shortcomings to avoid harsher judgments from others. It’s fear internalized as self-doubt and self-criticism.

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Dwight: How about self-consciousness—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Self-consciousness is resisted fear of being judged or misunderstood, creating a hyper-awareness of oneself to try and control how others perceive you. It’s fear projected into self-monitoring.

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Dwight: How about withdrawal—how does that express resisted fear?

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Aiko: Withdrawal is resisted fear of rejection, conflict, or failure, retreating into isolation to avoid vulnerability or potential harm. It’s fear turned into self-protective distance.

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Dwight: What about being overly optimistic—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Over-optimism is resisted fear of disappointment or failure, clinging to positivity as a shield against uncertainty or potential negativity. It’s fear reframed as exaggerated hopefulness.

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Dwight: How about being overly pessimistic—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Over-pessimism is resisted fear of false hope or unexpected pain, preemptively bracing for the worst to avoid vulnerability or surprise. It’s fear expressed as defensive negativity.

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Dwight: It also serves as an excuse to avoid taking a risk.

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Aiko: Absolutely, Dwight. Pessimism can be a fear-based strategy to justify inaction, protecting oneself from the possibility of failure or disappointment.

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Dwight: What about complaining—how does that express resisted fear?

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Aiko: Complaining is resisted fear of powerlessness or unmet needs, externalizing dissatisfaction to seek validation or control. It’s fear voiced as frustration or critique.

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Dwight: How about defensiveness—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Defensiveness is resisted fear of criticism or vulnerability, reacting protectively to preserve self-image or avoid perceived threats. It’s fear transformed into resistance to openness.

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Dwight: How about depression—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Depression is resisted fear of failure, loss, or meaninglessness, turned inward as withdrawal and emotional numbness. It’s fear that has collapsed into despair or avoidance of engagement with life.

Dwight: What about certainty—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Certainty is resisted fear of ambiguity or being wrong, clinging to fixed beliefs or decisions to avoid the discomfort of doubt or change. It’s fear disguised as confidence or conviction.

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Dwight: What about trying to prove you’re good enough—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Trying to prove you’re good enough reflects resisted fear of inadequacy or rejection, striving for validation to counter self-doubt. It’s fear driving a need for external approval or affirmation.

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Dwight: It’s also a way to beat others to the punch, preempting any judgment they might have about your worth.

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Aiko: Exactly, Dwight. It’s fear anticipating criticism and attempting to neutralize it by overcompensating with effort or achievement. Fear becomes a race to control perception.

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Dwight: How about avoiding making a schedule and following it—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Avoiding schedules reflects resisted fear of commitment or failure, dodging the pressure of expectations and the possibility of falling short. It’s fear masked as spontaneity or procrastination.

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Dwight: What about an unwillingness to adjust plans or expectations when new information or realities emerge—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: This reflects resisted fear of uncertainty or loss of control, clinging to the original plan as a way to avoid facing the discomfort of change or adaptation. It’s fear disguised as rigidity or stubbornness.

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Dwight: How about carefulness—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Carefulness is resisted fear of mistakes or harm, channeling caution into meticulous attention and deliberate action. It’s fear expressed as vigilance to avoid potential risks.

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Dwight: What about perfectionism—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Perfectionism is resisted fear of failure or criticism, striving for flawlessness to protect against judgment or inadequacy. It’s fear pushing for an unattainable standard to maintain control and approval.

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Dwight: How about foolhardiness—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Foolhardiness is resisted fear of appearing weak or afraid, overcompensating with reckless actions to assert courage or deny vulnerability. It’s fear disguised as bravado.

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Dwight: What about continuing to tolerate a situation or another—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Tolerating an unfavorable situation reflects resisted fear of confrontation, change, or uncertainty, opting for the discomfort of the known over the fear of the unknown. It’s fear masked as endurance or resignation.

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Dwight: How about having hope—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Having hope reflects resisted fear of despair or powerlessness, holding onto positive possibilities to counteract the fear of negative outcomes. It’s fear balanced by a belief in potential.

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Dwight: I’m referring to insisting on hope even when all evidence points to the contrary—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Insisting on hope in such cases reflects resisted fear of despair or acceptance of loss, clinging to optimism as a way to avoid facing harsh realities. It’s fear turned into a refusal to let go of possibility, even against overwhelming odds.

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Dwight: What about trying to prove you’re smart—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Trying to prove you’re smart reflects resisted fear of inadequacy or being judged as inferior, striving to demonstrate intelligence to secure validation or ward off criticism. It’s fear expressed as the need for recognition or superiority.

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Dwight: How about trying to prove you’re a bad person—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Trying to prove you’re a bad person reflects resisted fear of vulnerability or being seen as complex, simplifying yourself into a negative identity to avoid deeper self-reflection or accountability. It’s fear turned into self-sabotage or deflection.

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Dwight: What about feeling abandoned—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Feeling abandoned reflects resisted fear of being unworthy or unloved, magnifying the experience of separation into a profound sense of loss. It’s fear expressed as emotional isolation and longing for connection.

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Dwight: How about feeling unlovable—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Feeling unlovable reflects resisted fear of rejection or worthlessness, internalizing the fear that something fundamental about you makes connection or affection impossible. It’s fear turned into self-doubt and despair.

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Dwight: What about embarrassment—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Embarrassment reflects resisted fear of judgment or social rejection, arising when vulnerability or mistakes expose us to perceived scrutiny. It’s fear manifesting as self-conscious discomfort.

Dwight: What about stress—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Stress reflects resisted fear of failure, loss of control, or being overwhelmed, as the mind and body respond to perceived demands or threats. It’s fear driving a heightened state of tension and urgency.

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Dwight: What about feeling pressured—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Feeling pressured reflects resisted fear of failure or letting others down, as external expectations amplify the internal fear of not meeting demands. It’s fear manifesting as a sense of urgency and weight.

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Dwight: How about an unwillingness to say "no" when you need to—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: This reflects resisted fear of conflict, rejection, or disappointing others, prioritizing external approval over personal boundaries. It’s fear disguised as compliance or people-pleasing.

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Dwight: How about an unwillingness to make requests when there’s a chance you might get what you want—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: This reflects resisted fear of rejection or vulnerability, avoiding the risk of disappointment or exposure by not asking. It’s fear holding back the possibility of fulfillment.

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Dwight: What about feeling overwhelmed—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Feeling overwhelmed reflects resisted fear of inadequacy or loss of control, as mounting demands or emotions trigger a sense of being unable to cope. It’s fear manifesting as paralysis or overload.

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Dwight: How about feeling behind on things—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Feeling behind reflects resisted fear of failure or inadequacy, perceiving yourself as falling short of expectations or timelines. It’s fear expressed as pressure to catch up or prove yourself.

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Dwight: What about being upset when things don’t turn out as expected—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Being upset in this way reflects resisted fear of uncertainty or lack of control, clinging to expectations as a safeguard against disappointment. It’s fear surfacing as frustration or disillusionment when reality diverges from the plan.

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Dwight: How about feeling incomplete with someone or about something—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Feeling incomplete reflects resisted fear of unresolved emotions or unmet expectations, where the fear of closure or acceptance keeps you tethered to the person or situation. It’s fear holding onto the past or what might have been.

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Dwight: What about indecisiveness—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Indecisiveness reflects resisted fear of making the wrong choice or facing consequences, delaying action to avoid commitment or accountability. It’s fear disguised as hesitation.

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Dwight: How about irritability—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Irritability reflects resisted fear of losing control or being overwhelmed, with fear channeling into frustration at external triggers. It’s fear expressed as agitation or impatience.

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Dwight: What about frustration—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Frustration reflects resisted fear of unmet expectations or powerlessness, arising when obstacles block desired outcomes. It’s fear manifesting as tension and dissatisfaction.

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Dwight: How about loneliness—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Loneliness reflects resisted fear of disconnection or unworthiness, magnifying the absence of companionship into a deeper anxiety about belonging. It’s fear expressed as isolation and longing.

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Dwight: How about loneliness as resistance to the fear of sharing oneself more deeply with others?

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Aiko: Absolutely, Dwight. Loneliness can reflect resisted fear of vulnerability, where the avoidance of deeper connection protects against rejection or hurt. It’s fear that retreats into isolation rather than risking intimacy.

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Dwight: What about a lack of ability to enjoy solitude—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: A lack of ability to enjoy solitude reflects resisted fear of facing one’s inner thoughts or emotions, avoiding the quiet where unresolved fears or insecurities might surface. It’s fear seeking distraction over self-reflection.

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Dwight: How about lack of confidence—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Lack of confidence reflects resisted fear of failure or judgment, internalizing doubt and avoiding risks to protect against potential criticism or disappointment. It’s fear undermining self-belief.

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Dwight: What about a lack of connection with others—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: A lack of connection with others reflects resisted fear of vulnerability or rejection, keeping relationships shallow to avoid emotional risk. It’s fear maintaining distance instead of fostering intimacy.

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Dwight: How about not being willing to set and maintain good boundaries with others—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Not setting and maintaining boundaries reflects resisted fear of conflict, rejection, or being perceived as selfish. It’s fear prioritizing others’ comfort over one’s own needs and well-being.

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Dwight: How about being overly accommodating—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Over-accommodating reflects resisted fear of disapproval or conflict, bending to others’ wishes to avoid rejection or tension. It’s fear disguised as excessive agreeableness.

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Dwight: What about being overly assertive—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Over-assertiveness reflects resisted fear of being overlooked or disrespected, overcompensating with forcefulness to secure control or validation. It’s fear masked as dominance.

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Dwight: How about believing that things should or shouldn’t be a certain way—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: This belief reflects resisted fear of uncertainty or loss of control, clinging to rigid expectations to create a sense of order or security. It’s fear expressed as inflexibility.

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Dwight: What about seeing yourself as a victim—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Seeing yourself as a victim reflects resisted fear of responsibility or empowerment, adopting a position of powerlessness to avoid the risks and challenges of taking control. It’s fear expressed as surrender to external forces.

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Dwight: How about seriousness or an unwillingness to act silly or wacky—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Seriousness reflects resisted fear of judgment or losing credibility, avoiding playful behavior to protect one’s image or maintain control. It’s fear inhibiting spontaneity.

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Dwight: How about not living a life true to oneself—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Not living a life true to oneself reflects resisted fear of rejection, failure, or uncertainty, conforming to others’ expectations to avoid vulnerability or risk. It’s fear steering you away from authenticity.

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Dwight: How about wearing a mask at the expense of authenticity—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Wearing a mask reflects resisted fear of judgment or rejection, presenting a curated version of oneself to gain acceptance or avoid scrutiny. It’s fear suppressing genuine self-expression.

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Dwight: How about trying to always improve yourself—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Constant self-improvement reflects resisted fear of inadequacy or stagnation, driven by the belief that you’re not enough as you are. It’s fear disguised as ambition or growth.

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Dwight: How about duty or obligation—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Duty or obligation reflects resisted fear of disapproval or failure, conforming to expectations to avoid guilt or rejection. It’s fear compelling action out of compliance rather than desire.

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Dwight: How about loyalty—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Loyalty can reflect resisted fear of abandonment or betrayal, adhering steadfastly to relationships or causes to avoid the uncertainty or pain of separation. It’s fear turned into unwavering commitment.

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Dwight: What about freedom—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Freedom can reflect resisted fear of constraint or control, seeking independence to avoid the vulnerability of relying on others or being confined by expectations. It’s fear expressed as a drive for autonomy.

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Dwight: How about self-sufficiency—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Self-sufficiency reflects resisted fear of dependence or disappointment, striving for independence to avoid vulnerability or the risk of unmet needs. It’s fear turned into a pursuit of autonomy and control.

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Dwight: What about dependency—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Dependency reflects resisted fear of failure or self-reliance, leaning on others to avoid the uncertainty or responsibility of standing alone. It’s fear expressed as a reliance on external support or validation.

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Dwight: How about protectiveness—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Protectiveness reflects resisted fear of loss or harm, acting as a shield to prevent vulnerability or danger to oneself or others. It’s fear manifesting as vigilance and care.

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Dwight: What about feeling that life is meaningless—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Feeling life is meaningless reflects resisted fear of uncertainty or inadequacy, retreating into nihilism to avoid confronting the challenge of creating purpose or facing unmet expectations. It’s fear expressed as disengagement.

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Dwight: How about boredom or ennui—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Boredom or ennui reflects resisted fear of confronting deeper emotions or engaging fully with life, using disinterest as a shield against vulnerability or the discomfort of change. It’s fear manifesting as detachment or stagnation.

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Dwight: What about overeating—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Overeating reflects resisted fear of discomfort, emptiness, or unmet emotional needs, using food as a distraction or source of temporary comfort. It’s fear expressed as self-soothing through consumption.

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Dwight: How about getting drunk or tipsy—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Getting drunk or tipsy reflects resisted fear of vulnerability, stress, or emotional pain, using alcohol to lower inhibitions or escape discomfort. It’s fear temporarily numbed through altered states.

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Dwight: What about gambling—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Gambling reflects resisted fear of stagnation, failure, or lack of control, seeking excitement or the illusion of power over chance to escape feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty. It’s fear driving risk-taking as a coping mechanism.

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Dwight: How about mobile phone addiction—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Mobile phone addiction reflects resisted fear of solitude, boredom, or missing out, using constant connection and distraction to avoid confronting inner thoughts or feelings. It’s fear expressed as dependency on external stimulation.

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Dwight: What about a lack of curiosity—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Lack of curiosity reflects resisted fear of uncertainty or failure, avoiding new ideas or experiences to stay within the comfort of the known. It’s fear holding back exploration and openness.

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Dwight: How about irritability—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Irritability reflects resisted fear of losing control or being overwhelmed, with fear channeling into frustration at external triggers. It’s fear expressed as agitation or impatience.

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Dwight: How about resentment—how does that reflect resisted fear?

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Aiko: Resentment reflects resisted fear of vulnerability or unmet expectations, simmering when unspoken needs or frustrations are not addressed. It’s fear holding onto hurt rather than addressing it.

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Dwight: I’m sure there are countless other behaviors expressing resisted fear, but how would you summarize what we’ve uncovered here?

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Aiko: Resisted fear is a hidden driver of countless emotions and actions, shaping how we react to ourselves, others, and the world. It creates defensive patterns that mask fear’s presence, from avoidance to overcompensation, often leading us away from authenticity, connection, and growth. Understanding its role helps us see how fear, when resisted, distorts our lives—and how embracing it would unlock greater clarity and freedom.

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Dwight: Check out the suite Undoing fear.

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