The secret to killing romance

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Most of us have experienced the intoxicating rush of being in love—at least once. That euphoric whirlwind of passion, intimacy, and excitement! It feels magical, a tender and irreplaceable connection that seems like it could last forever. Many of us marry or live with the person we adore, imagining the romance will never fade.

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The fading delight

 

But more often than not, it does. Sometimes within months, other times after a few years, the spark dies. When that happens, much of the reason for staying together evaporates. Though a more mature kind of love can evolve, many couples stick together out of duty, fear of change, or tangled responsibilities. What once felt so precious now seems irretrievably lost.

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How does this happen to something that felt so sure, so secure ("I'll love you forever")?

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But why? Why does something so cherished, so deeply desired by both partners, slip through our fingers, mocking our efforts to keep it alive? I believe there are many reasons, but the most powerful one, the surefire romance killer, is living together.

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"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." —American proverb

"Distance creates beauty." —Chinese proverb

"Time apart nurtures love." —Japanese proverb

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Let me explain. Back in the spring of 1998, I was renting a house in Hiroshima, Japan. One afternoon, I hosted lunch with four women in their 40s, all married with children. We began talking about love, sex, and romance. Three of the women confessed that the romance in their marriages had died long ago. But the fourth woman, Junko, blushed as the others teased her about still having passion with her husband, even after 18 years of marriage.

 

Curious, I asked her “Junko-san, you’ve been married for 18 years! How are you able to still have passion with your husband?” Her answer was simple—her husband worked far away, in a different prefecture, and came home only once a week or sometimes just once a month. They didn’t live together. This gave them time to miss each other, to yearn for each other. They didn’t have the chance to wear each other down with daily life’s friction.

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Boundaries and space are the key

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To sustain romance, we must create space to miss one another. We need that longing, that anticipation. Letters, calls, and messages can fuel this hunger, but face-to-face contact—especially for men—needs to be managed. Men are hardwired as hunters, driven by the thrill of pursuit. Once the chase feels over, interest often wanes.

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Remember the story of One Thousand and "One Nights One Thousand and One Nights" (also known as Arabian Nights) and the character Scheherazade. In the tale, King Shahryar would marry a new woman each day and have her executed the following morning. Scheherazade, the vizier's daughter, volunteered to marry the king and cleverly saved her life by telling him a fascinating story every night, always leaving it unfinished so that he would keep her alive to hear the rest. After 1,001 nights, the king fell in love with her and made her his queen.

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How nature designed us

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Think about it. Why do brothers and sisters rarely fall in love with each other? It’s not just because it’s taboo—people break taboos all the time. It’s because they grow up together, and familiarity kills the mystery that sparks romance.

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Creating distance

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Romance thrives in the fresh air of living apart, but we often suffocate it by moving in together. Even if a relationship starts off strong, once you begin sharing the same space, romance starts gasping for breath. It may hold on for a while, but eventually, it fades away, unnoticed, until it’s gone for good. 

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Even if you live together, smaller changes like sleeping in separate beds or bedrooms can often make a big difference. 

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So, what do you think? Do you see evidence supporting this idea, or maybe something that contradicts it? And if this resonates with you, how could you rethink your relationship dynamic to keep the flame of passion alive?

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"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.

Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

—Katherine Hepburn

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"The purpose of desire is to do away with itself."

—James P. Carse

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"Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative"

—Alan King

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