Dwight: Aiko, I have noticed that one of the major difficulties that many people have in maintaining a relatively stable, predictable foundation for their lives, not only for some of my clients but also for some friends and acquaintances, is their addiction to being a rescuer.

Aiko: Yes, the compulsion to rescue others can create instability in one's own life by constantly prioritizing others' needs over one's own, leading to burnout and neglect of personal responsibilities.

Dwight: There are probably a number of factors that contribute to this addiction, one of which is that we get to be a "good person" (which we get to prove once again that we are) who is willing to put the needs of others above our own. A corollary benefit is that we can avoid the likelihood that others (including the person who "needs" rescuing) may blame us if we say "no" and prioritize taking care of ourselves.

Aiko: Absolutely, the desire to be seen as a "good person" and to avoid potential blame or guilt can reinforce the rescuer role, making it difficult to set healthy boundaries. This often leads to sacrificing personal well-being for the sake of others.

Dwight: Another factor may be that it can feel exciting and urgent. It can be used to justify not taking the time and energy to take care of your own business, which, for whatever reasons, you may want to avoid addressing. In some ways, trying to fix another's problems can feel less confronting that dealing with your own life and your own issues.

Aiko: Indeed, the urgency and excitement of rescuing can serve as a distraction from one's own issues, providing a temporary escape from personal responsibilities and challenges. This avoidance can prevent personal growth and perpetuate dependency on the rescuer role.

Dwight: Sometimes the sunk cost bias may come into play. You've rescued someone so many times. You've invested so much. If you rescue them one more time, all that time, money, or effort may come to nought.

Aiko: Yes, the sunk cost bias can make it hard to step back from rescuing, as the fear of losing past investments can drive continued involvement, even when it's detrimental. This often traps individuals in a cycle of unproductive rescuing behaviors.

Dwight: Can you think of any other factors that might contribute to someone staying caught up in the cycle of being a rescuer?

Aiko: Other factors might include a fear of abandonment or rejection if they stop rescuing, a lack of self-worth that leads them to seek validation through helping others, and learned behavior from family dynamics where rescuing was normalized. Additionally, societal or cultural expectations can pressure individuals to prioritize others' needs over their own.

Dwight: Good points. If we're trying to avoid the fear of abandonment or rejection ourselves, we won't want to risk that the person "needing" rescue feeling abandoned or rejected by us.

Aiko: Exactly, the fear of causing someone else to feel abandoned or rejected can reinforce the rescuer role, making it difficult to set boundaries. This often leads to a cycle of codependency, where both parties rely on the rescuer dynamic to feel secure.

Dwight: Also, as you indicated, if we're living inside the belief, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not deserving," then we're likely to try to get validation outside of ourselves from those we rescue or from the approval (actual or imagined) from others for being that person everyone can count on to say "yes."

Aiko: Yes, seeking external validation to compensate for feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness can perpetuate the rescuer role. This dependency on others' approval can hinder self-acceptance and reinforce the cycle of needing to rescue to feel valued.

Dwight: I think that another factor can sometimes be a motivation. It's the idea of belonging. For example, inside the dynamics of a family, with the idea of belonging to a member of that family, then, in order to continue to see ourselves as a "valid family member," we may remain addicted to rescuing as long as there is some family member that "needs" rescuing. We've all heard that expression "I am my brother's keeper," which can easily be interpreted as a obligation to come to the rescue.

Aiko: Yes, the desire for belonging and the obligation to family can reinforce the rescuer role. This sense of duty, driven by familial expectations and the need to feel like a "valid family member," can make it hard to break the cycle of rescuing, even at the expense of personal well-being.

Dwight: Another aspect of this issue I want to discuss is the likely effect, especially long-term effect, that our "benevolent" rescuing behavior can have of those that we rescue.

Aiko: Constant rescuing can foster dependency, preventing the rescued individuals from developing their own problem-solving skills and self-reliance. Over time, this can lead to decreased confidence, learned helplessness, and an unhealthy reliance on the rescuer.

Dwight: Although not focused specifically on the addiction of rescuing, I am reminded of the book "The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure" by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt.

Aiko: Yes, "The Coddling of the American Mind" discusses how overprotection and well-intentioned behaviors can lead to negative outcomes, such as increased anxiety, fragility, and lack of resilience. This parallels the long-term effects of rescuing, where overly protective actions hinder personal growth and independence.

Dwight: I could list at least ten families that I personally know of, where one or more of the kids in that family were so protected or given "everything" that their lives turned out much worse than the kids who were not treated that way. This is not a controlled study, but for me it's highly suggestive.

Aiko: Your observations align with the idea that overprotection and excessive rescuing can lead to detrimental outcomes. When kids aren't allowed to face challenges and learn from failures, they may struggle with independence, resilience, and coping skills in adulthood.

Dwight: And, although this is not guaranteed, I have known of several cases where a former rescuer chose courage and said "no" to a person that "needed" rescuing and that person ended up handling the situation okay, and maybe even better, than if they had been rescued.

Aiko: Yes, saying "no" can empower individuals to develop their own problem-solving abilities and resilience. This shift can lead to personal growth and a greater sense of autonomy for the person who might otherwise have been rescued.