Victims: the root of all evil

Victims: the root of all evil

Not blaming the victim

The following exposition is not about fault or blame. It is simply an inquiry into who is a more fundamentally at source for the experience of being a victim: the person who occurs for themselves as a victim or the other person who occurs to the victim as the perpetrator against them. It is also about "victims" (us) learning that it is entirely within our power to never be a victim again as well as having better relationships with everyone (since, recognizing ourselves as the source, we no longer set ourselves up to be the victim).

This inquiry will also be limited to personal relationships (except those involving young children as possible victims) as between friends, colleagues, lovers, spouses, bosses, reports, students and teachers.

We are loathe to think of ourselves as a victim

Ask yourself these questions.

Would you feel defensive if another person criticizes you?
Would you feel hurt or betrayed if a friend lied to you?
Would you feel betrayed if you discovered that your spouse was having an affair?
Would you feel disrespected if your colleague was late for their appointment with you?
Would you feel it's unfair if you parents don't treat you as well as they do your siblings?
Would you feel hurt that your spouse doesn't treat you as good as they used to?
Would you feel taken advantage of if your spouse kept emptying out the joint bank account?
Would you think that your teacher is inconsiderate when they get upset when you make a mistake?
Would you consider it unfair if your company fired you after you worked there and gave them your best for over ten years?
Would you feel hurt if your friend ghosts you?
Would you feel hurt is someone online called you a "fucking moron"?
Would you feel hurt if your friend did not return the money you lent them?

Three factors account for all the ways in which we victimize ourselves

First, in how we interpret what another says or does to us.

Second, in how we blind ourselves to the risks we are taking.

Third, in the boundaries that we fail to create and maintain with others.

Let's explore how these factors play out in various examples where we think we are the victim

Criticism: consider the examples 1, 7, and 10 above...

These all involve criticism or blame.

When someone is critical, it may or may not provide you with information of something you may or may not want to change.
Sometimes, when someone is critical, it's because they're defending themselves from what occurs as criticism or potential criticism from you.
Sometimes others are blaming or critical because they think it's the most effective way to try to change your behavior.
Sometimes others are blaming or angry because it makes them feel more powerful in the face of something that is frightening or something they need to control.
Sometimes others are critical because they want you to feel bad and blame yourself or to feel frightened.
Sometimes others may appear critical when all they're trying to so is support you in changing something that they think you might want to change.

Is there anything to defend?

If you know that your #1 job is to take care of yourself...
If you know that you're willing to choose courage to set and maintain boundaries in order to take care of yourself and your relationship with others...
If you are willing to choose curiosity to see what you can learn when someone occurs as criticizing you...
If you know that you may or may not have done something to stimulate another's criticism of you, but it still means nothing about about who you are and how great you are...
If you are willing to choose courage to make friends with your fear that you may feel when someone criticizes you and honor yourself for being willing to feel the energy of that fear as it flows through you...

...then is there anything to defend?

Betrayal: who betrayed you? Consider examples 2, 3, and 9 above...

Betrayal is when another deliberately breaks the trust you have put in them whether by what they promised or something assumed implicitly.

Believing that someone betrayed us is believing that we are the victim.

Yes, we can point the finger, saying that someone else betrayed us. But, if we haven't already built the foundation that makes that betrayal possible, we will never feel betrayed.

Betrayal means that, not only are we assuming less than 100% responsibility for the quality of our relationships, but also that we have proactively blinded ourselves to the risks that we are taking.

Becoming un-betrayable

Anyone who is older than ten years old has enough life experience to know that some people (including ourselves) will sometimes not keep their word. We know that some people may have a different idea of fairness than the one we have. We know that some people (including ourselves) sometimes lie.

To the extent that we choose to "trust" someone, deciding to enter into a certain type of relationship with them, if we ignore or deny the risks or possible risks that we are willingly taking, then it is us, not the other person, who is responsible for creating the likelihood of "feeling betrayed" in the future.

If, in deciding to "trust" someone, we include inside that "trust" that we can trust that there's a risk the other person will not remain faithful, will lie to you, or will act according to an idea of fairness that doesn't match yours, then we become un-betrayable.

In acknowledging and accepting the risks inherently involved in any understanding that you have or think you have with another in whatever relationship you have with them or decide to continue to have with them or not, you stand in a place of power where you can play the various games inside the game of life with the most ease and even best results, while maintaining the best possible relationships with others.

Un-betrayability in action...

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