You'd have better chances playing the slot machines​

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If you play (if you defend), then you've already lost. You can win just by refusing to play.

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Yet most of us are addicted, just like those slot machine addicts, We take the bait when it seems that someone has "attacked" us. We live under the illusion they have attacked something that we need to defend.

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Not playing: getting the most bang for the littlest buck

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Many wins in life may require a lot of effort and skill and take time to develop. But not so much this one. 

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The game of not playing the blame game is an easy one to master and win because the most important part of what you do is to not open your mouth (in reaction). 

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It may help to respond with phrases like, "Please tell me more" or "This is something I need to hear." 

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It doesn't matter who started it. It matters who continues it.

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An example

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Your wife complains, "How come you always forget my birthday!?"

 

You might respond in several ways that would perpetuate the blame game that she seems to have started. However, if you do, then you might have well started it. These are good rejoinders if you intend to engage in this lose-lose game.

 

• "Get off my back! I do a lot for you. Why are you so picky?" 

• "I don't always forget it. Remember two years ago."

• "Well, I thought of it honey, but things just go so hectic today."

• You could ignore her or even pretend to be "listening."

• You could sulk.

• There are many other possible responses that would perpetuate the "You're wrong, I'm right" tit-for-tat.

 

Or you could cash in on the almost instant win (at least in comparison to the losses you would incur if you engaged with her in a tit-for-tat) by responding with reflective listening, curiosity, and maybe even some compassion. It might help to remember that she had no choice in saying to you what she just said to you. If possible, you could invite her to engage with you in the Partnership Conversation.

 

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It takes two people to fight​

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In the context of arguing a case in court, it might make sense to argue "who did what first." But in the everyday context of relationships, it does not matter...unless what you're going for is sympathy from your friends who will agree that you are the "good guy" victim and the other person is the mean "bad guy."

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Start winning by learning to never respond to their "tat" with your "tit."

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See Undoing defensiveness.

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"Defense is the first act of war."

—Byron Katie

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