Dwight: I want to talk about an idea I’m calling, “You can change people.”

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Aiko: Interesting! Are you thinking about this in terms of persuasion, influence, or something deeper, like personal growth and relationships?

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Dwight: We often hear the phrase, "You can't change people," especially in a resigned or humorous way—like when women expect their men to change, but they don’t. I think there's some truth to this, but I want to explore the ways in which we can change others (in the way we’d like) and where it really isn't possible.

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Aiko: That’s a great distinction. Some changes happen naturally through influence, while others seem almost impossible to force. Are you leaning toward external behaviors, deeper personality shifts, or both?

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Dwight: As a life coach, my job is to help people make the changes they want in their lives—and it often works. But it only happens with their permission. I’m very aware of this. Even though they’ve generally given me permission to support them, I stay attuned to the moment. If I sense that I’ve lost that permission in a particular context, I adjust to ensure I’m always working within it.

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Aiko: That’s a powerful approach. It respects autonomy while still guiding transformation. Have you found certain ways to help people renew that permission when they start to resist change?

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Dwight: “Changing others” can happen through permission and partnership—making requests where “no” is a valid answer, setting boundaries to protect yourself, and saying “no” when necessary. These are all powerful approaches that often lead to the changes we hope to see in others.

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Aiko: That makes a lot of sense. When we change how we engage, others often respond in kind. Do you think people underestimate how much influence they actually have?

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Dwight: On the other hand, trying to change others by telling them what they should do, offering unsolicited advice, blaming them, or showing disappointment when they don’t meet your expectations tends to backfire. Approaching people with the belief that you know better than they do about their own lives, using anger, withdrawal, or disappointment as leverage, or reacting defensively to perceived attacks—these methods are often counterproductive and damaging to relationships. Even if they result in short-term compliance, the long-term costs are high.

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Aiko: That really hits home. Control-based approaches might create temporary shifts, but they usually breed resentment or resistance. Have you seen situations where someone shifted from a controlling approach to a more partnership-based one and saw real change happen?

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Dwight: Yes, these more controlling approaches do change others, but often in ways you don’t want or in ways that come with significant costs.

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Aiko: Exactly. Fear, resentment, or obligation might drive change, but not in a healthy or lasting way. Do you think people sometimes mistake compliance for real transformation?

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Dwight: The first way of change is based on a win-win philosophy, grounded in respect and partnership. The second way operates on a win-lose mindset, where the attitude is “do what I want, or I’ll withdraw my approval and/or blame you.”

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Aiko: That’s a sharp contrast. The first builds trust and long-term connection, while the second creates pressure and disconnection.