How Frightened are You of Their Fear?

 

“I cannot ask him for a date; what if he doesn’t know how to say ‘no’?”

“I cannot ask her for a favor; she might not choose the courage to respond honestly.”

“I cannot say ‘no’ to my friend’s request; it would hurt his ego too much.”

“I cannot tell my parents that I don’t want to live with them; it would make them upset with me.”

“I cannot move to another country; it would make my family and friends worry about me.”

“I cannot refuse my 23-year-old’s request for money; it would be too difficult for him without a car.”

“I cannot quit the job I am unhappy with and get one that I love; it would frighten my wife too much.”

 

Often, our own desire to feel safe and comfortable is disguised by our desire for others to feel safe and comfortable.

 

We have little tolerance for their fear. Their resisted fear stimulates us to resist our fear. However, the resistance to our fear is at the core of the problem.

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Are we treating others (and even ourselves) with respect by giving them the opportunity of courage?

 

Often, our willingness to choose courage seems stronger if no one else is frightened in the process. For us to choose the courage that allows others the opportunity to choose courage often includes letting go of

our largest and most foreboding fear: the fear of another’s fear. Perhaps the most effective and loving way to support those we care about is to create opportunities, through the expression of our own deepest desires and commitments (through our requests and refusals), for them to choose courage in their own lives.

 

Are we willing to support our children and/or parents in the development of their growth, creativity, and character by providing them with the opportunities to choose courage, while at the same time giving them examples of our own expression of courage with them?

 

Are we willing to support our boss, colleagues, or employees in a fuller expression of their lives by providing them with the opportunities to choose courage through our own “unreasonable” requests and refusals (which are our own choices of courage)?

 

Are we willing to challenge our friends to embrace the fear in their lives through our own expression of courage when we’re with them?

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People feel so safe with me and I scare them...

 

I’ve had more than one friend who has told me, “I feel safer with you than I’ve ever felt with any other person in my life.” (By this she meant that she felt safer from feeling judged or criticized for anything she might say or do).

 

Moreover, in the same breath, she said, “You scare me more than any other person in my life.” (By this she meant that I presented her with significant opportunities to choose courage, because of my own requests and refusals.)

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How are you cheating both yourself and others?

 

How might you be hiding from challenges in your own life under the guise of protecting others? In doing so, what opportunities for choosing courage and creativity might you have stolen from them?

 

Select and act upon one choice of courage today and every day that may present another

with the opportunity to choose courage.

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"The last hurtle in transformation is letting go of being a victim of other people’s being a victim. When we no longer try to avoid "negative" people because we can't have fun with or at least be comfortable with their "negativity," that's a true milestone."

—Dwight GoldWinde